When Lil Nas X released his music video for the song “Montero (Call Me By Your Name),” I was shocked by his Satan-worshipping nonsense. As a straight, God-fearing Christian, I knew it was my duty to fully understand the root of Hollywood’s Jesus-hating evil, so I’ve dedicated the last 72 hours of my life to watching the music video on repeat.

I have watched this video 4,126 times. Each rewind more appalling than the last. As a faithful Christian, I am on a one-man mission to make sure millions of people see this video so they will understand what true evil looks like. True evil includes CGI quotes of Plato’s Symposium.

The video opens with Mr. Lil Nas X in the garden of Eden, wearing barely any clothing and strumming a pink guitar. I was so disturbed by this blatant lack of disrespect for the garden of all creation that I was forced to rewind the first six seconds of the video 37 times just to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. I also forwarded it to 497 of my closest friends and shared it on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

On the 508th rewind, my son wandered into the room and saw the first four-and-a-half seconds of the video. When he grows up, he’s probably going to be a pole dancer who wears wigs and swears. To ensure that no other child suffers the same fate, I immediately drove to my neighborhood Sunshine Foods and stood outside yelling the lyrics into a megaphone in front of an HD projection of the video.

In the song, Mr. Lil Nas X mentions “cocaine and drinkin’ with your friends,” which I was able to decipher after rewinding the video another 666 times and googling the lyrics. This clearly alludes to the fact that all liberals drink with their friends, do cocaine, and worship Satan. It’s a disease.

Later on, Mr. Lil Nas X slides down a pole into hell, where he performs a lap dance for the Devil. Worse, he seems to be enjoying himself. Even after watching the video another 1,276 times and sending it to my Aunt Peggy, who clutched her pearls so tightly she asphyxiated herself, I was unable to confirm whether or not the Devil is enjoying the lap dance. I’m just going to assume that he is.

The video ends with Mr. Lil Nas X snapping the Devil’s neck and putting its horns on his own head. I informed him on Twitter that he’s possessed, but he blocked me. So I made two hundred anonymous accounts and followed him on all of them, replying to each tweet with a link to buy holy water on Amazon. I also penned an op-ed for the Watertown Public Opinion educating the public of the perils of letting children be themselves. I included a link to the video every three sentences. I am happy to report the article has gone viral.

As a resident of South Dakota, I am glad my governor cares that our nation is being hypnotized into worshipping Satan before our very eyes instead of the 2,000 South Dakotans who contracted Covid-19 and died. She probably saw the music video because I DM’d her a link to it a dozen times.

Oh, and don’t get me started on those sneakers. Just the idea of Mr. Lil Nas X releasing a line of $1,000 Satan shoes that contain a drop of human blood literally makes me ill. I have ordered seven pairs so I can personally burn them.