The following results are based
on decades of personal research…

- - -

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Beer before liquor, get drunk quicker.

Pina coladas before schnapps, go ‘head and drink lots.

Mai Tais before whiskey, won’t even get tipsy.

Sex on the beach before sherry, party forever with your best friend, Jerry.

Appletinis before Guinness, start a small business.

Cosmos before body shots of sake, excitedly sleep with someone stocky.

Long Island iced teas before vodka-soaked gummi bears, throw up on the stairs.

Mezcal before margaritas, no you need to slow down, Jerry!

Bloody Marys before a Manhattan, adopt a Komodo dragon.

Rye before vermouth, pass out in a tollbooth.

Hot Toddys before whisky sours, dangerously thin blood within hours.

Ayahuasca before shotgunning a Natty Ice, say something you can never take back to Jerry’s new wife.

Tom Collins before a bucket of mead, forget how to read.

Pilsners before absinthe, get stuck in a labyrinth.

Tequila sunrise at morning, sailors take warning.

Mint juleps before brandy, meet the ghost of Jessica Tandy.

Fortified rum before six glasses of South American nihamanchi made from cassava root, get asked to leave the fundraiser for Jerry’s first senate campaign.

Accidentally (or was it on purpose?) swallow a cup of mouthwash before eating a scoop of dry margarita mix, get robbed at knifepoint trying to scalp Bob Seger tix.

Cider before sangria, no longer welcome in Korea.

Chocolate liqueur before a Shirley Temple mixed with Everclear, get referenced in Jerry’s stump speech as a relic of his hardscrabble youth.

Peach Ciroc before Bud Light Lime, feel ashamed for the first time.

Rubbing alcohol cut with a Kool-Aid Jammer before NyQuil before jungle juice, party forever by yourself. Party. Alone. Forever. Party!