Chris Christie: Don’t even pick him up, proceed immediately to the trash. Some objects are simply too pathetic.

Rudy Giuliani: Pick him up. Fondly think about how your grandfather mispronounces this man’s name. It sounds like an Italian cold cut, a deeply racist Italian cold cut. Proceed immediately to the nearest waste removal plant.

Peter Thiel: You aren’t really sure how he got here. Proceed accordingly.

Laura Ingraham: Now is a good time to remember that not all objects have meaning. Proceed accordingly.

Ben Carson: You may be reminded of the summer you believed the devil had descended earth in the form of Gabriel Byrne in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Proceed accordingly.

Mike Pence: Pick him up. At this point you will have grown so bored that you’ll likely have forgotten why you picked him up in the first place. He’s sort of like that turtleneck shirt you still have from college, if that turtleneck were deeply intolerant of LGBT rights. Does he bring you joy, or any feeling for that matter, you ask yourself. Proceed accordingly.

Donald Trump: Gloves are encouraged. He may be coated with a liniment, exclusively sold at The Sharper Image. You will be familiar with the Sharper Image, it is the origin of the many objects currently taking up your overpriced storage facility in Manhattan, and the reason you’re reading this book right now. Distance yourself from any memory involving the travel companion thigh massager your Uncle Ted bought you in 2003. It’s kind of a perfect metaphor for Presidential candidate Donald Trump, but you’re too polite to get into the details of said metaphor: It shouldn’t exist, but it does.

Reject the skin, which now only reminds you of your favorite Cal Ripken Jr. glove you broke in over four summers of constant applications of oil and sun. The resemblance is uncanny. Resist the resemblance.

Look him in his very sad, very, very SAD! eyes, and ask yourself does he give you joy? Proceed accordingly.