SALT LAKE CITY, UT
OCTOBER 7, 2020
9:04 PM: Susan Page of USA Today opens the debate like a college freshman attempting to convince her parents that she’s not actually throwing a party, and that even though there will be a bunch of people in an enclosed space that absolutely do not need to be there, everyone will definitely be socially distanced. Plus, this guy Mike is afraid of girls anyway. Page says she’s there to enforce the rules, and the Commission On Presidential Debates has equipped her with “the tools” to do so. She lays a hand on the holster on her hip. “Let’s begin.”
9:06 PM: For the first question, Page focuses on the ongoing pandemic and asks Senator Kamala Harris what a Biden administration would do in January and February that a Trump administration wouldn’t. Harris replies that the American people have witnessed the greatest failure of any administration in our country’s history, with 200,000 dead, over 7 million people who have contracted the disease, and a Vice Presidential set design that looks like the self-checkout aisle at a Kroger. Harris addresses the camera, “The administration knew this disease was lethal,” she says. “They knew what was happening and they didn’t tell you.” Inking red blood begins to fill Pence’s eye.
9:10 PM: Page turns the questions to Pence: “The US death rate is 2.5 times that of Canada’s. Vice President, you headed the administration’s coronavirus task force, why is our death toll so much higher?” Pence nods, “Thanks so much for letting me be here. I’m not usually allowed to speak. As we all know, Vice President Joe Biden plagiarized. I want you to know I hold you all in my heart, all Americans, whether you want to be there or not.” Page attempts to move on, “Thank you.” Pence continues talking about whatever he imagines a heart to be. “Thank you,” Page tries again. “Susan,” Pence interjects, “you’re welcome.”
9:12 PM: Harris is given a minute to respond to Pence and says, “Whatever the vice president is claiming the administration has done, it clearly hasn’t worked.” Pence replies, “There’s not a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about every American family who has lost a loved one, they are in my thoughts and prayers, where my bad policies and utter inaction can never touch them. I pray every day. Right now, for instance, I’m praying that women lose the right to speak.”
9:15 PM: Page turns to Pence, “Vice President Pence, you were at a superspreader event in the Rose Garden. How can you expect Americans to follow safety guidelines when you at the White House don’t even follow them?” A drop of blood drips down Pence’s face though he does not seem to notice. He monotones slowly, “The American people have demonstrated that when given the facts, they’re able to put the health and well-being of their families and others first. And that’s why we’ve made every effort to make sure they never have those facts, so that Americans are blessed with the opportunity to simply die, knowing that President Trump and myself have them in our hearts, as per the contract we signed at a crossroads that one very dark night.”
9:19 PM: “Our second topic is on the role of the vice president,” Page says. “One of you will make history as the vice president to the oldest president we’ve ever had. So, let’s just be clear here, these guys are going to die. Vice President Pence, have you spoken to Trump about this?” Pence chuckles, “Well, I’d like to go back to—” Page attempts to redirect, “I think you should move on.” Pence continues, “I’d like to go back to before civil rights, for instance. Now then, Senator, stop playing politics with people’s lives. There are no women admitted in the politics gaming room, that is strictly for men — WHITE men, Senator.” Page reaches into her holster, “It’s just a banana, I was bluffing, I have no idea what to do now. Senator Harris, same question.” Harris smiles, “Joe and I have the same values, we both value hard-work, we both care about the American people, and we both want to be president.”
9:30 PM: “Let’s move to the economy.” Page addresses Harris, ”I heard on Fox News that raising taxes puts the economy at risk, and I thought I should repeat that to you now?” Harris answers, “Joe Biden believes you measure the health and strength of the American economy on the health and strength of the American family. Trump believes you measure it by how rich people are doing. That’s why he passed a tax bill that helped the 1%. On day one, Joe Biden will repeal that.” Page asks Pence, “Should Americans be braced for an economic recovery that is going to take more than a year or two?” Pence responds, “Everyone that the president and I know is richer now than they were four years ago, and the American people know that we need to roll back regulations on everything except women’s bodies. Biden wants to tax and spend. They want to invest in the Green New Deal, imagine that? The waters not running red with the blood that springs from my eyes? Locusts not descending on our crops? A sky that does not rain fire? Unimaginable consequences of these reckless actions.” Page nods, “Very interesting. Senator Harris, your response?” Harris begins, “Joe Biden,” Pence, channeling his master, interrupts, “he’s going to repeal the Trump tax cuts.” Harris smiles her tightest lipped smile, “Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking.” Pence oozes through the plastic barricade, “You should tell the truth!” droplets spattering everywhere. Harris’s smile widens, she locks eyes with Pence and repeats, “I’m speaking.” The skin around Pence’s neck begins to smoke. “He will not raise taxes on anyone who makes less than $400K a year. He will not end fracking.” Pence’s head begins to shake unnaturally, “FRACKING.” Harris replies, “We love fracking!” Pence’s whole body is now vibrating, “fracking is my best friend.” Harris adds, “I invited fracking to my wedding!” Page interrupts, “Obviously, we ALL fully understand what fracking is and love it dearly, as was intended by the founding fathers, but we need to move on.” Harris nods like an 8th-grade teacher listening to a student claim they didn’t do their homework because their grandmother died for the 5th time. “He interrupted me and I’d like to finish,” she says. “If you have a preexisting condition, they’re coming for you.” The still smoking, oozing figure of Mike Pence scoffs, “Obamacare was a disaster, and the American people remember it well because, thanks to it, many more of them are alive today than should be."
10:02 PM: Susan Page turns the focus to the Supreme Court and the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett. The slightly-damaged-from-a-fire-Madame-Tussauds-wax-figurine of Mike Pence smiles in what appears to be an attempt at warmth. “She has so many children,” he gushes. “It pleases the master.”
10:08 PM: Page asks the vice president how the Trump administration will protect people with preexisting conditions if the ACA is struck down. “Well, thank you, Susan," Pence says, “but, obviously, I’m not going to answer that or any questions you ask me — I want to lie about abortion instead.” He continues, "Now then, I think it’s time to ask the questions, don’t you, of course you do, silly woman. So, Senator Harris, the people deserve to know your and Biden’s stance on court-packing.” Harris responds, “Let’s talk about court-packing, let’s talk about Abraham Lincoln, let’s talk about how not one person Trump has appointed to a federal court is Black, how’s that for court-packing, let’s talk about how quart-packaging can be confusing if you’re measuring pints, let’s talk about courting pachyderms, let’s talk about court-side seats for the Pakistan national cricket team, let’s get into it, let’s talk about all of it.” Pence replies, “I just want the record to reflect that she never answered the question I asked to avoid answering any questions.”
10:20 PM: While Harris states that justice was not served following the murder of Breonna Taylor, a fly lands on Mike Pence’s head. It vomits multiple times, more than a fly normally does upon landing. This is like if it landed and then had its olfactory system overwhelmed with the smell of rot — not the delicious kind of rot that flies are typically drawn to. The fly grips Pence’s head. Pence, having no feeling left in any part of his body, does not notice. The fly heads to the mic where Susan Page had been. She is gone. Everyone is gone. The audience is now entirely flies. “Look, I have a short lifespan,” the fly says, “even shorter than the average citizen in Trump’s America, and I just need to make a couple of things clear. I KNOW you think we’re drawn to shit and, OK, you know what, yeah, sure, we definitely are, but NOT THIS KIND OF SHIT.” He waves a tiny wing at Pence. “These guys are some kind of, I don’t know, man. It’s not normal rotten stuff, is what I’m saying. There is something fucked up going on with these pieces of shit. Listen, I don’t even care about Biden, he was not my guy. But this Trump dude? I don’t know if that thing’s human. And Pence here? He’s not even a normal ROTTING human. That’s all I’m saying. Thanks for your time. Release the Snyder Cut!” He buzzes off.
10:26 PM: Page ends the debate by asking Pence what he would do if Biden is declared the winner and Trump refuses to accept a peaceful transfer. Pence laughs, “I think we’re going to win this election because while Biden and Harris have a litany of things they’re doing, we’re working on rigging the whole thing in our favor. Hilary Clinton was evil and now it’s our right to simply take what we want.” Page nods, and asks Harris, "How do you respond to that normal statement?” The senator nods, “We’re just going to stick with telling people to vote, thanks.” Page thanks the candidates, and then addresses the audience: “My sympathies to everyone who witnessed this debate. Surely you could have found a better way of avoiding doing laundry than by watching this. Make better choices, America. Good night.”