When Martin Luther King Jr. walked up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial, he delivered a speech that would change history. With passion and eloquence, he showed us a vision of true equality—an America where people of all colors and backgrounds could enjoy life, liberty, and a piece of this sweet Fort Lauderdale timeshare I’m offering.

Seriously, he would have wanted you to sign up right away. It’s a primo bog-side location in the heart of the city’s outskirts.

America was founded on principles of justice. Unfortunately, it took over a century to begin living up to those ideals. Only when Dr. King uttered his famous words, “I have a dream,” did we realize that he probably meant to follow up with, “that you will all go for the Platinum Package, with access to a reasonably well-maintained thirteen-hole golf course.”

That, and the fact that you haven’t given me your credit card number yet, might be the greatest injustice of all.

What must it have been like to see the speech in person? Imagine it. You’re standing in the crowd on that hot summer or maybe spring day in 1960-something, surrounded by dozens of others, and it dawns on you that, much like the TripAdvisor reviews left on my timeshare, many of Dr. King’s critics are needlessly hateful. Back then, lots of Americans felt that the civil rights movement was moving “too fast,” and, in a grim repetition of history, many of my guests feel that the Wi-Fi is “too spotty,” the rooms “too smelly,” and the buffet a “single brown banana.”

I guess the reverend’s vision for racial equality—just like my vision for you riding through a swamp on an off-brand jet ski a guy once died on—was simply ahead of its time.

Of course, it’s all too common for people to twist Dr. King’s words to suit their own agendas. Not me. Like Martin (I’m pretty sure we’d be on a first-name basis if he hadn’t been deported or whatever), I’m always honest about what I believe. And what I believe is that you’d be a fool to pass up a free tour of the pet cemetery my timeshare is next to. It’s a pretty romantic spot if you’re drunk enough.

By the way, Malcolm X, who I understand is still terrifying to much of America, would have hated this timeshare. If you want to stick it to his legacy, go ahead and sign on the dotted line, then we’ll set you up at our spa with an unlicensed masseuse with cold hands.

Get in on this timeshare now. Do it for those who marched. For those who suffered. For those who, in the face of long odds, decided they want a future where people of all races can leave me a hundred-dollar tip for labeling which milk in the fridge is expired.