KING, LEANNE, 35, lost her long battle with seven years of poor sleep. Despite Dr. Ferber’s attempted intervention, she took her last breaths at work while compiling tax statements and simultaneously watching YouTube tutorials to learn how to French-braid her daughter’s hair for her dance recital that evening.
RODRIGUEZ, BRIDGET, 31, suffered an acute, terminal infestation of earworm. She leaves behind one baby shark, do do do do do do, and one daddy shark. Grandma shark precedes her in death.
YANG, STEVEN, 40, was tragically crushed by a rest stop vending machine while trying to shake loose the last package of chocolate Teddy Grahams. He will be remembered as a kind, loving father who forgot to pack a third snack for a three-hour car trip to Grandma’s. The money was refunded.
BARNES, NANCY, 32, was discovered in her home flattened by the weight of every saved art project from her sons Bennet (5) and Rivver (7). She leaves behind eighteen storage containers of projects kept as future therapy props to explain their childhoods. Seven plaster hands decorated as turkeys will be placed at her gravesite as a memorial.
GAGE, PETER, 38, and HUNT, GEORGE 42, died in their home over the weekend after being stabbed in the feet by three hundred Legos. In lieu of flowers, the couple requests that you teach their son a catchy clean-up song. (Please, no Daniel Tiger.)
GRANT, MARIA, 29, a new mother to a two-month-old daughter, suffocated last weekend under the weight of internet advice. After reviewing her wishes, her family notes she will be read two bedtime stories, swaddled, arms-out, and will be buried with a white-noise machine.
CHARLES, SERENA, 45, touched the face of God after ingesting one too many spoonfuls of leftover blue-box macaroni and cheese. Her family says she lived as she died, muttering under her breath, “In this house, we don’t waste food.”
UMBRIDGE ETHAN, 39, leaves behind a bereft family after patting himself too hard on the back for taking care of his young son for two days while his wife attended an accounting conference in Tulsa. He will be remembered as a hero to fathers everywhere.
BRIDGES, TERRY, 38, died of sheer embarrassment after his toddler loudly said “Fuck!” in church (even though everyone around them pretended it didn’t happen).
WHITE, MRS., 36, gave birth to a Disney character.
ARMSTRONG, “CHARLIE’S MOM,” 30ish, was tragically lost to parenting on Saturday. She was born somewhere and had noticed the irony of becoming exactly like her mother. After responding to her parental designation for eight years, she had forgotten whether her name was Lisa or Liza without looking at her driver’s license. Memorial donations can be made to whatever outside interest she must have had before parenting — perhaps swing dancing, a book club, or artisanal yogurt fermentation.