We know you’re in pain. We know you’re hurting. The support groups listed below will help you move on by getting the highly specialized help that you deserve. If you have lost friends or family to some of the evils listed below, just take a look at our options, and I’m sure you will find a group that fits your needs.
Has this happened to you? Your best friend from Wesleyan stopped helping you with your web series to take more improv classes, and is starting to get a team together. Your fiancé dropped out of law school to pursue a career in comedy and you’re wondering if that guy you met on your cruise in Florida would still be interested. If this sounds painfully familiar, now is your time to heal. Don’t feel neglected anymore. Say “Yes, and…” to getting better.
Your loved one has been looking pale and fragile, and there’s nothing you can do about it. All your roommate eats is kale chips and nuts, and she is withering away. Whenever she has enough energy to speak, she just quotes lines from Jonathan Safran Foer’s Eating Animals. You want to stop feeling so helpless, and for your friend to stop looking so hungry. At each meeting, we can help you convince your friend or relative that veganism is overrated, because no one has fully proved that meat causes cancer yet. (Don’t worry, we will be serving unlimited cold cuts every week).
Has your boyfriend worn his WTF WITH MARC MARON T-shirt three times in a row this week? Does your mother no longer have time for you because she just discovered Serial and needs to find out how it ends? Then this group is the perfect way to distract yourself from the fact that everyone is too distracted by their podcasts to pay attention to you.
If you’ve lost a friend or relative to this treacherous activity, you’ve probably already realized that CrossFit is 10% strength training and 90% talking about CrossFit. Sure, you try to bring up other important topics, like the Benghazi hearings, or that video where the bunny marries a goat. But it just won’t work. At this group, you’ll discover new ways to promise them an abundance of protein, and then guide the conversation in a new direction in order to talk about anything else.
You think your friend is already too far-gone to be saved. Every waking moment is spent making self-destructive decisions for “inspiration.” You want to hold an intervention, but know they would enjoy it too much, and use the incident as something “quirky” and “fun” to write about afterwards. The only way you can reach this friend is by tweeting at them. Here, we will help you to craft your very own blog so that they will finally notice you again.
After two glasses of wine, your cousin thinks she’s the Van Gogh of her generation. But you know that the only thing that’s got to gogh are those Instagram pictures of her drinking next to twenty identical paintings of an Eiffel Tower. This group will allow you to channel your anger, and create abstract paintings while sober.
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
It might be too late to seek help. You should just consider finding new friends and/or family.
UNNECESSARY SUPPORT GROUPS
Your loved one has probably lost complete perspective on reality. Learn how to gently tell them that they have too much free time on their hands to be attending pointless support groups, and should take up a hobby instead, like CrossFit or Paint Nite.