[Originally published August 6, 2010.]
Smoking Break Sun Salutation
1. Stand tall outside your office building during break.
2. Position unlit cigarette between first and second fingers of right hand; grasp lighter in left hand.
3. Drop head forward until forehead touches knee
4. Extend arms forward, flicking lighter. Slowly rise, clasp hands together and light cigarette.
5. Place cigarette in mouth and inhale; cough on exhale
6. Focus on the release of tension attained through the power of totally organic nicotine.
1. In a private setting — bedroom, car, closet — drink lots of booze with your boss, your best friend’s ex, or any other inappropriate romantic partner.
2. Play music with a loud, thumping base on stereo.
3. Hop onto your partner and begin wrapping and climbing movements.
4. Enjoy the stretching of your spine.
5. Use your rolled-up yoga mat creatively. You know what I mean.
6. Your breathing should be rough and shallow.
7. Tension? Trust me, you won’t feel any.
1. Access a bag of Cheetos.
2. Lie flat on your back in bed with TV in viewing range.
3. Dim the lights.
4. Position the TV remote comfortably in the palm of your hand.
5. Place your rolled yoga mat comfortably under your pillow for extra softness.
6. Watch a reality television show or anything on the E! Network.
7. Munch Cheetos.
8. Visualize tension leaving your body and entering the body of an attractive TV commentator.
9. Your breathing should be a light snore.
10. If anyone tries to talk to you, firmly remind them that you are releasing toxic tension and must not be disturbed. If necessary, give them a Cheeto to make them go away.
[NOTE: This yoga pose should be used only as a last resort, like after an animated “conversation” with your ex regarding money, or the morning after a Feisty Goat.]
1. Lock the bathroom door.
2. Insert earplugs.
3. Fill the tub.
4. Use your rolled-up yoga mat to wipe up puddles.
5. Crawl into tub.
6. Put on a snorkel.
7. Submerge completely.
8. Breathe deeply.
9. Tension in your throbbing temples might or might not go away, but there’s nothing good on television so it’s worth a shot.
10. Do not break this pose until you’re goddamn good and ready.