A kid texts their mother during a school lockdown.

KID: Mom, a drag queen broke into our school. I love you so much.

MOM: What!? Are you sure it’s real?

KID: Yes, we’re under lockdown now. We barricaded the door and I’m hiding under my desk. Mom, I’m so scared.

MOM: Can you call me? Are you safe?

KID: I can only text. We have to be quiet. They feed off the prepubescent voices of young white boys.

MOM: Okay, honey, stay calm. Remember what you learned in drag lockdown training. It will do whatever it can to lure you with its bronze silicone breasts and brainwash you.

KID: I can hear its stilettos clicking down the hallway. I think it’s close to our classroom…

MOM: Stay completely still, honey. Breathe. Cover your genitals.

KID: There are so many sequins! I can see them reflecting onto the walls.

MOM: The sequins are very dangerous, sweetie. Remember the Tucker Carlson special about the little boy who looked directly into the sequins? He immediately turned gay, and a piano fell out of the sky and crushed him to death.

KID: Mom, help me, please. I can already feel my innocence being stripped away. My full ride to Liberty College. My future wife I’ll never get to gaslight. I have so much life ahead of me.

MOM: Keep calm. I’m here. Think happy thoughts. Like the song I used to sing you to sleep. “A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

KID: Okay. I think the police just showed up… no, wait, it’s just more drag queens dressed as kinky cops… the police are hiding in the bushes.

MOM: Trust the police, honey. They always know exactly what to do.

KID: Mom, it’s right outside the door belting “Dancing on My Own” by Robyn! My balls, they’re already shrinking. This is it.

MOM: Whatever happens, just remember that Dad and I — and Nathan Dahm — love you very much.