For all your literary insuring needs!
Call today to discuss our flexible, user orientated plans. Such as:
The Tolstoy Deluxe Package!
- 100% guarantee on literary works greater than 80,000 words/ 300mb/ 10 kg (standard paper thickness of 90 gsm).
- Flexi-cover ghost writing—pay one short story per month for sixteen years with the option to substitute months 1, 2, 80, 99 and 180 with a screenplay of no less than 30 A4 pages. Months 7, 23, and 140 can NOW be substituted with fashion blog entries of only 200 kb!!!
- Apply now and receive a bouncing narrator for every odd month insured.
The Hemingway Recovery Package
- Applicable to short story collections in which each short story does not exceed 1,200 words, with a premium prose poem penalty payable weekly for superfluous, circumlocutory language.
- Stories with endings will not be accepted.
- Apply now and receive a lifetime supply of bourbon!
The Kafka Benefit of the Doubt Package
- You: A young white collar worker with middling health problems.
- We: Recognize and substantiate YOUR TALENT using our patented “drudgery substitution” method.
Jackson Bolsover graduated with a first class in comparative literacy BA HONS from London University College. Creativity was second nature to him. It was hardwired into his D.N.A. Unfortunately poor Jackson didn’t strategize early enough in his career—it was unclear how he might proceed with his writing. His reading had no direction. He enjoyed science fiction.
To compound things, Jackson had to pay the rent. Like many middle class individuals not possessing a “high net worth,” Jackson had to practice some desire management. Getting a job at a publisher would allow him to at least get close to the thing he wanted. From there he could decide what and for whom to write.
So Jackson optimized his reader desirability by acquainting himself with the market, but this left no time for him to realize his life goal. Luckily for Jackson, he took out one of our Genius Epic Insurance Plans, and now, should Jackson’s efforts fail to materialize we will guarantee the completion of his epic!1
Never worry about the vicissitudes of time and fortune again!
1 Terms: Whilst you own the rights (in theory) to all that we produce on your behalf, you are not entitled to any royalties accruing from the sale or distribution of said work, or to identify yourself as the author.
14th January 2011
I recently expressed an interest in your Kafka Benefit of the Doubt Package. Following a conversation with Julie from your customer sales team, I’ve enclose some information regarding the probable form of the novel I intend to compose, its literary precedents, length, style, characterizations, etc. as per your ’"Terms and Conditions" web page.
Title of novel (negotiable):
The Troublesome History of General Pochinello’s Left Temple
(30,000 words GB)
Estimated completion date:
Sex (Latin American)
Magic (but realistic)
War (on an individual scale)
(Generally the expendability of life and passion)
Do you have any Latin American experts on your team? I don’t really know that much about the region.
Please also see details of me, the prospective author. I think you will agree that I am most suited for the Kafka Package, but I might also consider your Tolstoy Deluxe Package, should you advise it more suitable. I think my age might disqualify me however.
Current job title:
Assistant to the editor, Spare Parts Magazine.
Are you capable of insuring me based upon these partial details? I would supply more, but to do so might jeopardize my intellectual property for, to be sure, I hope one day to be able to mortgage some small screenplay or collection of letters as down payment for a biography.
229C Gloucester Terrace
23rd January 2011
We would be happy to provide you with a quote, although to do so in good faith we would require some additional pieces of your information.
In your introduction you promise a list of literary precedents for your insured item, and a brief outline of its main characters and the style in which it would be written. In your exposition you fail to do this. We must advise that such elisions are no longer fashionable. It is best not to promise what you cannot deliver (unless you happen to be using Multiquote Literary Insurance!). We might guess at the style and content from your florid title, but speculation is inadequate for the purposes of our risk structuring.
Now, we regret to say that more biographical information is essential in order to effectively render your product should some unfortunate accident of life prevent you from doing so “on an individual basis,” as it were.
One such unfortunate accident, most fortunate if it occurs towards the end of your insurance period, would be your timely/untimely death.
Sudden death, being cut off in your prime, fighting a losing battle against sickness of the body or soul, might not be so useful a tool for the artist as it once was (always excepting the music industry where it remains a market leader). But, properly managed, the sudden curtailment of supply that it represents can lead to a huge boost in revenue (think Lucky Charms or high energy light bulbs.) In terms of artistic merit, the first consideration in all of this, we consider death works beautiful and (of course!) tragic. Your very real absence amplifies what is tragic about the written word, does it not? Practically and realistically you are not there, and the sensitive reader can feel the full force of this abstract disjunction from the comfort of his own home.
Of course, we here at Multiquote wish you a long and healthy life.
Multiquote Literary Insurance.