December 12, 1965

Robert “Bobby” Fuller reported to the county jail to begin his sentence of pounding rocks in the hot sun. Earlier this year, Fuller failed to convince a jury that he started robbing people with a six gun merely because he “needed money ’cause he had none.” Prosecutors say that it’s no surprise that Fuller fought the law and the law won, as armed robbery is a Class 2 Felony.

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July 9, 1974

Officers responded to a call outside 461 Ocean Blvd. where an E. Clapton was said to be acting erratically. Detectives at the scene say that Clapton confessed to shooting the sheriff, but not killing the deputy. Thus far, police believe Clapton acted alone, though a B. Marley has been called in for questioning.

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January 1, 1979

Police apprehended three men, who collectively called themselves The Sugarhill Gang. The men were allegedly going, “On n on n on on n on,” claiming, “the beat don’t stop until the break of dawn.” Local ordinance calls for the beat to stop at 4am, or whenever the bartender decides is last call. The men were later released, much to their delight.

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May 20, 1983

Gordon Sumner was arrested after turning himself in at the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office. Sumner, alias “Sting,” was wanted for stalking an area woman who claims that he continually watched every breath she took, move she made, and smile she faked. Sumner also had an outstanding warrant from 1977 for impersonating a police officer.

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July 23, 1984

Following yet another high-speed chase, Canadian national Sam Roy Hagar was taken into custody for speeding and reckless endangerment. Waving his right to remain silent, Hagar shouted that he can’t drive 55 mph, and that police could write him up for 125 mph, and “post his name wanted dead or alive.” A spokesperson from the DA’s office says that’s unnecessary, however Hagar should expect a fine of up to $600 and 11 points on his license.

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November 15, 1986

Three Long Island youths were released after being held on charges of truancy, disorderly conduct, and disturbing the peace. The three have since filed a suit in state superior court, claiming a violation of their civil liberties. A spokesman for the minors says they’re, “fighting for their right to party,” and that one of the boy’s mothers threw away his “best porno mag.” A court spokesperson said she knew of no such right, nor the whereabouts of said magazine.

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December 7, 2010

Officers from the abuse task force responded to a domestic disturbance call at the household of C.L. Green. According to the police report, Green’s live-in companion was moving out with the help of her new boyfriend, prompting Green’s repeated use of profanities. In her statement, Green’s ex said her leaving had nothing to do with the fact that the, “change in his pocket wasn’t enough,” as Green alleges, but was instead due to, “his constant dropping of the F-bomb.” When reached for comment, Green told reporters, “Ain’t that some sh*t.”