I think that’s Smith, not Ginn. I’m pretty sure I can tell them apart, as we all should be able to, seeing as they are individuals and do not look the same at all. Yep, that is definitely Smith. Smith. Wait, no, it’s Ginn. Hard to tell what with all the pixels. Yes, two totally different people, not looking alike.

That guy is such a freak athlete. But not a freak in any of the various negative connotations. Also, he no doubt works very hard: his skill is not just the result of innate athleticism. All athletes work hard. Equally hard. Well, no athlete is predisposed to work harder or less hard than any other. Wow, this is difficult.

Isn’t it amazing that that commentator is so articulate? I mean, amazing because he’s a former football player. Not that football players can’t be well spoken—look at Peyton Manning. It’s not that Peyton is better at speaking, it’s just that this guy looks… OK, this is not where I meant to go with this at all. He’s just a class act. The way he sits there in that nice suit talking about football. Wow.

What a catch! He’s so fast for a man running in a lot of padding through a blizzard. That guy is such a firecracker. Because he’s an explosive playmaker, not because of any tired stereotypes of Mexican propensity for throwing firecrackers or shooting pistols into the air and yelling. Why did I mention the pistols? Is he even Mexican? I don’t know. Maybe we’re all a little Mexican.

What a tackle. I haven’t seen a hit like that since women’s All-American Rugby Player of the Year Katrina “Bisquit” Logan, AM I RIGHT!? Anybody? No one watches women’s college rugby? You really should. Amazing. Compared to this game, I’d say equally amazing.

Another sack? Our quarterback needs to learn to read the defense. I mean, analyze the defense. I’m sure he can read. Statistically, he could probably read. Even if he couldn’t, he’s still just a regular guy who can or cannot read, like you and me. You know what doesn’t get talked about enough these days? Adult illiteracy.

What about “scatback,” can I say that? It doesn’t sound offensive. How could it be? What if it has something to do with scat singing, or Scatman Crothers? Doesn’t “scat” mean “shit?” Why is this so hard? Ok, I have to say something. Better play it safe. Hey Jeff, great football watching, huh?

That guy doesn’t have much of a football IQ, which is not biological or correlated with anything else about him. I’m just saying he’s not a… a smart player. No, not a cerebral player. No! … Though very good at football, he is not as good as most of the players around him.

What a hardnosed player. Hardnosed? Can I say that? That seems okay.

I just want to go home.