1. The Under-Wire Destroyer
This one contains pieces of shrapnel sewn right into the fabric. What could go wrong? Within the first week of wearing, a piece of metal will worm its way out of the cloth because it was likely made by someone who gets paid $7 a day. You will suddenly wonder why you feel like you are being stabbed and it will be because you are being stabbed. By your bra. You will spend the rest of your day gingerly shoving the wire back into place with your thumb to avoid being stabbed in the boob.
2. The Lacey Flouncemaster
This bra may as well be made of tin foil. You are scratched and tickled incessantly by innocent polyester flowers that do nothing in the way of actually supporting your breasts and secretly hate you. They laugh as your sagging, itchy boobs flounce around in misery. You have this bra because a former sex partner thought it would look pretty on you and they didn’t really care about you. You wear it when you’re thinking about your ex and you hate yourself.
3. The Boob Eliminator
This one defies physics and anatomy by forcing your body to reabsorb your breasts back into your armpits, neck, and chest cavity, rendering them immobile. This can be helpful if you are engaging in what is considered a high impact activity, such as the sports or wrestling panda bears. (Don’t actually wrestle panda bears. They are adorable and they will eat you.)
4. The Nippler
This one was designed by a room full of people who despise women and, much like the rest of female anatomy, lack a basic understanding of nipples. Basically, the GOP. This bra looks sort of cool if you’re not the one actually wearing it and WHY GOD, OH WHY, IS THERE A SANDPAPERY SEAM OF HORRIBLENESS RUNNING ACROSS THE VERY PART OF MY BODY I WOULD USE TO FEED A NEWBORN BABY?! This bra makes excellent kindling if you don’t first end up violently tearing it from your body in a fit of rage and dropping into the nearest Salvation Army bucket or Post Office box.
5. The Pseudo Bra
This bra calls itself a bra, but basically it’s about as effective as a layer of cheesecloth draped over your boobs that somehow makes your silhouette look even saggier than if you were wearing no bra at all. Sometimes this is called a “sleep bra” because it makes your breasts look like they’re fast asleep after a long day of picking up garbage off the side of the road.
6. The Overflower
This one makes you feel like an impoverished bottom rung porn star who, when not making porn, is waiting tables in a blue plate diner where you have to bend over to pour the coffee and then suddenly there’s fucking breasts everywhere. This bra works fine as long as you don’t lift your arms or bend forward more than 120 degrees, at which point extra support will materialize in the form of Ron Jeremy.
7. The One from the J. Edgar Hoover Collection
This bra time traveled into your lingerie drawer from the ‘fifties and is made of gabardine. It has a sailor motif and several bow accents that look like extra nipples when worn under anything thinner than your winter coat. You save this one for that boudoir shoot you’re going to hire a photographer for any day now because you still do fun, artsy, risqué stuff like that. (Actually, you’re pushing forty, and, Jesus Christ, you’ve hung onto this old fashioned bra for over ten years, you fucking weirdo.)
8. The One that Gives You a Rash
This one is made with a material that is not recognized on the Periodic Table, probably because it was melted down from used Goodyear tires and old Nerf balls. It was also soaked in formaldehyde, a chemical that’s been deemed safe for corpses. The company that made this bra denies this, but you and a few thousand other women have a radioactive heat rash that proves otherwise. Still, you keep it around, because you really should know better than to have breasts in the first place. The fact that you were born with those sin cushions is proof of your inferior intellect and morality and you must receive your punishment as the powers-that-be see fit. Plus, it cost $45 and you can’t return it.
9. The One that Doubles as a Kevlar Vest
This bra is great for your stint on that space station in the future where women are supposedly seen as equals, except that they still are required to wear skin tight neoprene body suits at all times. The nice thing about it is that though your breasts appear prominent and adept, they literally don’t move, even when physics should dictate otherwise. Just like in space. In the future.