Team, it looks like there has been some concern lately regarding the company’s internal operations and the circumstances surrounding several recently departed co-workers. Given that honesty and trust are core components of our culture, I wanted to address these matters immediately to put any worries to rest.

First, I want to remind everyone that you should feel comfortable reporting any problems directly to our Chief Happiness Officer so that they can be swiftly dealt with. If you’re happy, our CHO is happy. And if you’re unhappy and discussing your workplace grievances behind closed doors, our CHO is unhappy.

Through our routine practice of monitoring private intra-office direct messages, we’ve learned that many of you are troubled by perceived wage gaps. Rest assured, everyone on payroll is fairly compensated for their company contributions according to market rates, so you shouldn’t feel compelled to hunt for disparities. But if you must dig, keep in mind that the market has determined that certain demographics should be paid about 20% less than others.

We have also heard rumors swirling about a former employee being fired for gauging interest in forming a union. I can say with absolute certainty that this was not the case. While I cannot get too deep into the specifics of any one person’s termination, this particular individual was released after repeatedly and disruptively expressing “pro-Union” beliefs — that is, being in favor of the North during the American Civil War. This was distracting to the office and hampering productivity, which are completely valid and legal grounds for dismissal that should not raise any flags to the National Labor Relations Board.

As an aside, being a company that aims to foster innovation and open-mindedness above all else, please know that you will not be reprimanded for political views you privately hold, whether you support Republicans, Democrats, or the Confederacy.

We as a company will not make a moral judgment one way or the other on any issues that can be construed as “political.” For example, with regards to the “Fight for $15,” our official company stance is that while fighting can sometimes be good, it can also sometimes be bad.

Yes, it is technically true that there was another employee who was let go after we found online searches containing the word “union” made from their computer, but it turns out that these queries were actually made in an effort to look up information about actress Gabrielle Union. Nonetheless, perusing the IMDb page for Bad Boys II on company time is against policy, so our decision remains final.

Lastly, regarding my Tesla Model S, no, I did not order a personalized vanity license plate. Any further questions will need to be directed to the state motor vehicle registry, which randomly assigned me the alphanumeric identifier UNNBSTR.

It was also a complete coincidence that my vehicle was recently involved in a hit and run with a group of labor strikers. Autopilot was at fault, as concluded by my legal defense team.

We like to think of everyone on this team as being part of a family. Much like your actual family, you cannot always choose who is part of it. And sometimes, you find that a toxic person has infiltrated the family tree and must be excised before they can spread and do damage to the rest of the branches. This is why your Uncle Mark doesn’t come to Thanksgiving anymore after your aunt divorced him. And also why the items on William’s desk were packaged up inside of a Bankers Box the instant he cited the Americans with Disabilities Act during his most recent annual review.

Our people are our greatest asset. They’re also our greatest liability.

Before potentially putting your livelihood in jeopardy, know that we already have great benefits in place, so there’s no need to negotiate for something better. What more could you possibly ask for when we provide you with flexible hours so you can be pinged around the clock, unlimited paid time off that prevents us from having to pay out unused vacation days, and company equity that is effectively a lottery ticket?

Reflect for a moment on the reasons that brought you to join this family in the first place. Everyone has an important role to play, whether you came here for the mission, the people, or the expectation of receiving legal tender in exchange for your services.

I’ll leave you with this: you are valued, you are loved, and you are employed on an “at-will” basis.