JOB TITLE: Human Woman (living)
JOB DESCRIPTION: To be a Woman, you’ll have to spend 97% of your mental and emotional energy making yourself small enough to not be a burden. You may spend the other 3% of your energy cherishing dreams of a better world, but we ask that you maintain a professional demeanor and keep them to yourself.
A strong candidate must:
- Be physically small but, you know, not scary thin (#bodypositive)
- Effortlessly beautiful (because openly caring about your appearance is vain), but always by comparison to a capitalist standard of beauty that takes literally entire industries to produce
- Amusing but not actually funny (everyone knows there’s no such thing as a funny woman)
- Smart enough to understand when and how to agree with the boys, but not overbearingly intelligent (as in, to the point that you might disagree with the boys)
- Emotionally vulnerable to the extent that you cry at weddings, but never for anything that actually relates to your life (because let’s face it, then you’re probably being too sensitive and/or menstruating, both of which are equally disgusting and unnatural)
- Be able to express dissatisfaction, but only in a spunky/hot way, and only if you make it clear that your anger is never directed at a man. No one likes a nag
- Love sex, but only at the time, pace, and circumstance that your male sex partner wants you to love it (note that this also applies to women who don’t have sex with men)
These job requirements can and will change at a moment’s notice. Luckily, an entire subculture of Internet trolls exists to let you (and us!) know when you’re not doing a good job at being a Woman. Essentially, you will need to be endlessly nurturing, understanding, competent, and selfless, but like, be casual about it.
NOTE: If you are over the age of 30, not white, not thin, not conventionally attractive, or some godforsaken combination any of these traits, then it is also your job to be invisible, and to only materialize when specifically called upon.
PAY: Depends on prior experience, salary history, and race, but definitely less than a man with the exact same profile. Regardless, you’ll be made to feel that it was all your fault for leaning in too hard (you childless monster), and/or not leaning in enough, (you lazy baby factory).
CONTACT: We ask that interested candidates send in their résumés, headshots, and thoughtful cover letters about why they’re not like other (potential) Women. We’ll get back to you in a timely manner (by “timely” we mean “when it is not an inconvenience to us”).
FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: No follow-up calls, please. Don’t be so needy.