Art by Matt Smith

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In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio-text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancient Scandinavia. Dubbed The Impudent Edda, this oral manuscript was transcribed and released to the general public as Norse Mythology for Bostonians in early 2020.

During the global lockdown that followed the transcription’s release, archaeologists, historians, and philologists continued to study the audio text as well as the device itself, now known simply as the Codex Bostonia. These researchers eventually uncovered an additional stash of hidden audio files stored in a previously secret location on the phone’s memory card. Three of these recently recovered myths have thus far been fully documented and are now being made available to the public here for the first time ever. The breadth of their arcane lore, the depth of their spiritual insights, and the poignancy of their poetic revelations confirm that the collective audio texts of the Codex Bostonia remain the single most important contribution to our knowledge of pre-Christian Scandinavian religious beliefs to have emerged in a millennium.

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Norse Mythology for Bostonians:
Odin Sends Freyja A Dick Pic

So thing is, Odin just absolutely loves decapitated talkin’ heads. That’s why he was so fuckin’ ovahwhelmed with joy n’ elation when Mimir’s decapitated fuckin’ head showed up on his front doohrstep. ’Cause at fihrst Odin was kindah like, “Goddamnit, those fuckin’ hippie assholes out on the West Coast killed my buddy!” when he opened up the box n’ he saw Mimir’s dead head staihrin’ straight back at him from beneath the styrafoam peanuts, but then when he realized that he got a new decapitated head tah add tah his collection n’ that this one talked on top’ah it all, he was like, “Holy shit, I hit the fuckin’ jackpot!” The one downside was that this new disembodied vehrsion’ah Mimir refused tah tell him all the wise shit he’d learned ’bout makin’ awahd-winnin’ wine ah the defensive weakness’ah the Giants’ stadium unless Odin poked his own eye out but bein’ as Odin had already died by suicide once befohr he figyuh’d he could handle this.1

Now evuhryone always thinks that Odin n’ Mimir only evah talk ’bout thoughtful, philosophical type shit havin’ tah do with the meanin’ah life as a divine entity ah the Sox’s own spotty histahry’ah questionable management decisions ah whatevah but truth’ah the mattah is, they’re both a couple’ah fuckin’ pehrvehrts n’ so most’ah the time when Odin’s hangin’ out with Mimir, their minds ahr divin’ down deepah r’intah the guttah r’en a fuckin’ high school hockey team’s. I mean, when yah get a creepy old man n’ an even creepiah talkin’ head tahgethah, just what the fuck do yah think they’re gonnah talk ’bout?

So it’s only a mattah r’a time befohr one day Mimir in all his wise fuckin’ wisdom comes up with the brilliant idea tah send Freyja a fuckin’ dick pic. N’ ah’couhrse Odin’s like, “Dude, you’re a fuckin’ genius!” ’Cause yah know, he totally thinks he’s gettin’ his gouged-eye-out’s wohrth outtah Mimir fahr thinkin’ up shit like this.

But ah’couhrse this didn’t occuhr without any contentious difficulties though since Mimir nevah got ovah the fact that he’d been decapitated while visitin’ California2 n’ so now he has no fuckin’ body. N’ bein’ that it was his bright idea tah send Freyja a dick pic in the fihrst place, he thinks he should get tah be the one tah do it but he can’t since his body’s in the process’ah decomposin’ n’ bein’ devouhred by fish as it floats out past fuckin’ Sausalito at this point n’ so fahr him it’s a real fuckin’ lost cause.

Mimir just doesn’t have a fuckin’ dong anymohr.

But Odin does n’ so they bickah fah r’awhile n’ then Mimir finally fuckin’ concedes ’cause what’s he gonnah do anyway? He’s only a magical talkin’ fuckin’ head; he’s got no ahrms tah use tah take the photo with even if he did still have a weenah. N’ so Odin lifts up his fuckin’ Gandalf robe n’ he snaps a shot’ah his one-eyed wahrriah r’n then he texts it tah Freyja who at this point already thinks Odin is a total prick3 but she isn’t expectin’ tah see his literal prick pop up on her fuckin’ phone eithah.

So a few minutes go by n’ then Odin’s phone stahts blowin’ up with angry texts from Freyja n’ evuhry othah goddamn goddess from hee’ah tah fuckin’ Dwahrf Wohrld. I mean evuhryone’s fuckin’ tuhrnin’ against Odin now includin’ his own friggin’ wife Frigg who’s chewin’ his ass out n’ tellin’ him tah just stay in Mimir’s shitty cave n’ not even bothah tah come home. Evuhryone except Loki, that is. Loki just sends Odin a text that says, “Nice one bro!” with one’ah those dumb little cahtoon winky face things.4

N’ well, what do you think Odin does when his phone finally stops buzzin’?

He sends Freyja anothah dick pic.

I mean, it’s like he somehow got mohr addicted tah sendin’ Freyja dick pics ’en tah drinkin’ mead with blood in it ah listenin’ tah ravens whispah secret knowledge intah his gnahrly old ee’ahs. Like he just can’t stop doin’ it now n’ Mimir’s not helpin’ mattahs any since he’s projectin’ his own bullshit Napoleon Complex vicahriously through Odin at this point. N’ so eventually Freyja has tah change numbahs n’ this is why she hahdly evah leaves Folkvangr anymohr. Well, that, n’ the fact that Odin alsah has a real bad habit’ah lettin’ Loki convince him tah try ’n bahrtahr her off tah the giants as paht’ah whatevah shitty deal the two’ah ’em happen’ tah be cookin’ up at any given time.

I don’t know. Fahr supposedly bein’ so fuckin’ wise n’ shit, sometimes the gods n’ their magic talkin’ heads ahr just a bunch’ah dumb fuckin’ idiots.

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1 The opening stanza of this myth is loaded with allusions to other stories integral to understanding the spirituality of the ancient Scandinavians. The most pertinent of these to the present passage is that which describes the conclusion of the war between the two divine tribes: the Aesir (comprised of the war-mongering likes of Odin and Thor) and the Vanir (comprised of the sex-obsessed likes of Frey and Freyja). The war occurred in the early days of traditional Norse cosmological theory and, while discrepancies exist among the various sources, the version included in Ynglinga Saga states that the hostilities were ended with an agreement to exchange hostages between the Aesir and Vanir. Njord and Frey of the Vanir went to live with the Aesir while Hoenir and Mimir of the Aesir went to live among the Vanir. Subsequently, the Vanir felt that they received the short end of the deal because Hoenir essentially proved to be a completely useless deity, so they retaliated by murdering Mimir, who had been the wisest of the gods (with the possible exception of Kvasir, whose origin and role the various sources differ wildly on) and sent his severed head back to Odin. Other traditional myths referenced indirectly in this stanza relate to how Odin lost an eye in exchange for the ability to converse with Mimir and how Odin sacrificed himself to himself on the world tree, Yggdrasil, to learn the arcane knowledge of the runes.

2 The anonymous poet of the Codex Bostonia’s audio-text provides an important new detail here for scholars of Eddic studies. The implication that Vanaheim, the home of the Vanir, might be located in California is highly revelatory and requires further investigation.

3 The War of the Gods (described in Footnote 1) plays an integral role in Völuspá, the first and perhaps most revelatory poem of The Poetic Edda. Völuspá informs us that the war began when Odin set a witch named Gullveig on fire because he thought she was evil. Gullveig was aligned with the Vanir and might have even been Freyja traveling under another name. While the textual evidence for Gullveig’s actual identity remains inconclusive, many documented instances exist in which Odin and Loki have conspired to potentially sell or trade Freyja to the giants. Consequently, it is not surprising that she is not a huge Odin fan.

4 Given his history of poor decision-making, it is unsurprising that Loki would condone Odin’s actions. Additionally, he and Odin are identified as blood brothers in the ancient poem, Lokasenna, so when Loki refers to Odin as “bro” in the Codex Bostonia’s audio-text, he means it both literally and figuratively.