If you’ve ever vomited, you already know what a Smoobucha tastes like. Hold that flavor in your mind, please, for a moment, and now add some carbonation. Sparkling vomit — I mean, Smoobucha, is a combination of Kombucha and a green smoothie, which do in no way belong together in one bottle. Although smoothie enthusiasts like myself have a high tolerance for the stomach-turning colors some healthy smoothies turn — from swamp water to diaper contents — this specific Smoobucha green is especially glum, kind of a liquefied Oscar the Grouch and his trashcan in one tone. Its normal shelf-stable smoothie smell belies its taste, which is mostly a fiercely acidic lemon tang meant, I guess, to burn off its base flavor of a ripe banana squished up from under unwashed feet and mixed with warm pond scum. A lingering oily coating keeps the painful flavor in your mouth much, much, much, much longer than should be natural, thanks to a cruel combination of dextrose and thickening agents. I think this is also how Napalm works. I ingested maybe 15 of the 140 calories in the bottle and not only regretted every single one, but felt bad for the trashcan into which I tossed the remainders.
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