Life isn’t a sprint it’s a marathon and wouldn’t that just be your luck.
A person who never made a mistake is someone I’m not interested in talking to at this party.
Stop wishing, and start doing whatever it takes to deal with your wishing problem.
Follow your obligations.
The only thing to fear is, wow, where to even begin?
No act of kindness, however small, is ever something your husband still won’t bitch about having to do.
Walk softly and carry some Advil and a heating pad.
Well-behaved women seldom make history because looks like someone didn’t invite them to the history-book-writing meeting, Dan.
A friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find and impossible to share a shoe collection with.
Live, Laugh, Love people who don’t have manifestos on their walls.
The cure for anything is saltwater — sweat, tears, the sea, or I guess if that’s all you have, taffy.
Go confidently in the direction of your couch.
Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% which department of the patriarchy I’ll be assigning the blame.
Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value to your parents who also don’t think you’re a success.
A woman needs a man like a fish needs someone to get this hook out of my mouth, yes right now.
United we stand, divided would honestly be more comfortable on this airport shuttle.
It is better to have loved and lost because now you have your own bed again.
Eighty percent of success is showing up with pizza.
Whether you think you can or think you can’t, the truth is you’re not The Little Engine so please stop making choo-choo sounds in this restaurant.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one Google Maps told me to and now I have no service, great.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy canceling other plans.
Be the change you want to see in front of this three-way mirror.
Behind every successful man is a woman pretending to be a gorilla
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor but does look quite nice on Instagram. #SmoothSea
You miss the shots you don’t take and this is a great time to remind you tequila has historically not been your friend.
Happiness is a choice would be a great closing argument at your murder trial.
You’re never too old to wish upon a star but honestly that’s about it.
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to not wear your suede boots when you knew damn well there was rain in the forecast.
Love me, love my infrequent and subpar shaving.
Success is 99% perspiration and 1% seeing a specialist about that whole excessive perspiration thing.
The journey of a thousand miles can’t be any worse than this date.
Money can’t buy happiness but is the most direct route to ice cream.
Sing like no one is listening
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Dance like nobody’s watching
Poop like the co-worker in the next stall can’t easily identify you by your shoes
Believe you can and you’re halfway to disappointment.