A Holy Thursday in Late March/Early April,
0033 CE, 6:46 PM

Members Present:
Jesus
God
Holy Spirit
The Apostles
This dude Romaine

Agenda:

Set a course for the saving of all humanity.

Minutes are being taken by Billy McCann, Matthew’s work-study intern.

Proceedings:

The meeting is called to order. Jesus asks Romaine who he is and what he’s doing here.

Romaine asks if this is the meeting for Creative.

Jesus sayeth upon him no. That’s tomorrow.

Romaine thanks Jesus and announces he’s going to a club called Wicker Baskets tonight. He exits the conference room.

Jesus puts forward that he wants to sit in the middle of the table, and everyone should sit facing the same way.

The motion fails 7-6. But then Andrew changes his vote because Jesus has an ominous look on his face. Everyone now sits facing the same way.

Jesus begins by predicting that Peter will deny knowing him three times before rooster crows the next morning.

Peter looks up from his BlackBerry and says, “Sorry, what?”

Jesus passes out snacks and refreshments.

Bartholomew hesitantly eats a lot.

Jesus says that the snacks and refreshments are actually his body and blood.

Judas asks how that is possible.

Discussion follows.

Andrew says it was a bad investment decision to kick the i-bankers out of the Temple. He displays a 3-D, multi-color PowerPoint histogram indicating that Jesus’s P/E ratio is distressingly low.

Jesus stands by his course because his Miracle/Cost ratio is doing amazing.

James the Less agrees with Jesus and says that Jesus’s entry into Jerusalem while riding a donkey and wearing a hoodie got him major cred with twenty-something startup CEOs.

Jesus tells Judas he’s aware Judas has been posting on anti-Christian message boards under the handle “BeleagueredBeliever69” while he should have been working.

Judas says it was actually during his lunch break. He was sent a link by a friend and didn’t know what it was until he clicked it. But now his computer won’t start.

Matthew says if Judas betrays Jesus, he’s no longer invited to use the Apostles’ skybox at Gladiator Stadium.

Judas asks for a vote; the motion passes, 10-2. Peter abstains for political reasons (anarchist, believes only in consensus).

John shares numerous Excel bar charts indicating a statistically significant correlation between the Beginning, the Word, and God; and between John (he’s talking in the third person now), the Light, the true Light, and all that was made by God.

Peter asks John if he’s been Skyping with the Gnostics again.

John tells Peter to shut his stupid fish mouth.

Andrew tells John: you mess with my brother, you mess with me.

Thomas recommends that everyone watch the Gnostics’ latest webinar because about half of it is useful.

Simon the Zealot starts surreptitiously playing Angry Birds on a stone tablet and then excuses himself because he has to go to his daughter’s piano recital.

Jesus says that everybody should transform their frustration into Focused Strategy Attention—rule three from The Winners’ Guide to Winning Everything Imaginable. He offers everyone a relaxing foot bath.

Matthew calmly announces that he likes Jesus because Jesus is nice to people even when they’re mean to each other; he asks Jesus if he wants to come to karaoke night on Saturday at Wicker Baskets. Jesus says he’ll think about it, but hopefully yes.

James the Elder recalls the meeting to order and says that spreading the good news is all about the Three L’s: Learning, Leading, and famiLy.

John gets confused about the third L; and what if people don’t have families?

James the Elder appeals to his credentials: he used to be head of marketing at Antony & Cleopatra (before the asp-induced restructuring).

Matthew says fine, but is there any way to operationalize the Three L’s, possibly by thinking outside the box?

James the Elder says yes and passes out a Creativity Schematic with many, many arrows.

Jesus concludes by telling his disciples that some might not take kindly to their ideas about love, forgiveness, and worship.

Everyone says they’re strong and don’t mind.

Jesus says they might be heckled. They might be laughed at. They might get flailed, their skin might peel off their body, and then they might be crucified upside down. They might even be called mean names.

Everyone says they’re strong and don’t mind.

Philip says wait, what was that third thing?

Action Items:

Someone has to betray Jesus, though it’s still somewhat up in the air at this point. TBD next meeting.

Evangelize the masses.

Save humanity.

Next meeting, John is in charge of snacks. (Taquitos)