One Bedroom, Thirteen and a Half Baths.
Look at the curb appeal on this one! Can you believe it? Freshly painted, newly-renovated lawn, and the color of the house even matches the color of the squirrels in the yard and the garbage in the street. The house sits on nearly an eighth of an acre, with the possibility of expansion if the fault line were to open up again. And would you look at the trees—the rotted branches form a beautiful canopy over the house, and the hornet’s nest an added element of protection. But that’s just the outside.
You walk right into what the previous owners used as a Great Room, but you could also use it as a Living Room, an Auxiliary Family Room, a Man Space, a Woman’s Hideaway, a Child’s Playroom, an Entertainment Center, a Second Dining Room, a Guest Bathroom, or, what it was originally intended to be, a coat closet.
You said you were looking for hardwood floors—in here, we take it up a notch: hardwood walls. Not to mention Crown Mold and Plantation Fungus on the shutters. The architectural details in this room are literally stunning. Or perhaps that’s just the electric fence you’re feeling. Once we move into the study, you’ll notice the built-in picture frames, and reclining chair that folds right into the fireplace. Keep an eye out for the limestone-covered windows and the glass columns throughout the room, along with the vaulted carpets—please do watch your step.
Off we go into the kitchen. Notice the stained countertops, a floor-to-ceiling dishwasher, and, of course, the walk-in cooktop. The entire kitchen has been recently renovated, and three islands have been placed inside the refrigerator for easy access. There’s a gas-powered sink and an electric pantry, five burners, six freezers, and thirteen knobs on every cabinet. And don’t forget the stainless steel breakfast nook, complete with granite silverware.
As we make our way into the main floor’s two-and-a-quarter-bath, you can see the triple toilets and half-sink. We have his and hers shower doors, beautiful new carpeting in the bathtub, a glass floor, hardwood ceiling fan, and two working fireplaces. There’s also a full dining room inside this bathroom, as well as in the one right next door.
We’ll climb up the built-in bookshelves to the second level, where you’ll find a second kitchen inside a walk-in closet, inside a finished garage, inside the master suite. This master suite comes with its own sitting room, washer-dryer hookup, tile backsplash, flood lights, and direct access to the roof. The windows look directly into the third bathroom, which provide a great deal of morning light.
You’ll notice seven more bathrooms on this level, along with three more coat closets, an unfinished basement, and an indoor/outdoor office with a second washer-dryer hookup, a walk-in mailbox, and a half-pool, with built-in bookcases and an original stone fireplace that also serves as a guest bedroom. Finally, we can crawl through the heating vent to the two-story backyard, with an island, stainless-steel chandelier, and sixteen pedestal sinks surrounded by a glass fence and a standalone chimney.
This one won’t last long, not with its prime location just thirteen miles from downtown, adjacent to the walk-in cemetery, and directly underneath a recently-renovated bathroom. I’ll expect a call from you soon!
SUGGESTED READSMen’s Room Confessions
by Anthony Jaffe (3/12/2001)
List: Actual Phrases Written between the 1/8" Wide Joints of a Field of 4″ × 4″ Ceramic Tiles Located above the Urinals in a Men’s Restroom
by Scott Ogden (1/2/2002)
There is No Average Day When You Live in a Port-A-Potty
by Todd Pruzan (12/19/1999)
RECENTLYIf Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women
by Meg Elison (10/25/2016)
About the Sinkhole in the Adjunct Faculty Lounge, and Other Mid-Semester Announcements
by Tom Batten (10/25/2016)
List: 10 Signs Your Partner Plans to Name Your Baby Something Horribly Unconventional
by Rachel Callman (10/25/2016)
POPULARWhen My Grandkids Ask Me What I Did to Fight American Fascism, I’ll Proudly Tell Them I Tweeted a Few Times
by Sam Spero (10/19/2016)
Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire
by Melissa Janisin (10/18/2016)
Thanks, Cindy, for Making Eye Contact Through the Bathroom Stall and Making It Super Awkward During the Department Productivity Meeting
by Anna Kemp (10/14/2016)