Dear People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me:

Whenever my boyfriend and I ride the subway together, I notice that your eyes go straight to my lover’s stunning, godlike face.

I try to ignore this, mind you, but last night, while we were out at a popular club, I observed that you were once again blatantly staring at him in spite of the fact that my boyfriend was blatantly holding my hand and kissing my face. I am a bit concerned that our strikingly existent relationship doesn’t dissuade your stares in the slightest.

This afternoon, for example, we were in the grocery store when I caught you smiling at my boyfriend yet again—completely indifferent to his arm, which was wrapped around my waist. If you were confused about his gesture, please know that my boyfriend was not holding my pants up—he was displaying his affection for me because, as you must know, he is my boyfriend.

I realize that my boyfriend is six feet five, that he has a lean and muscular frame, eyes of blue, a chiseled jaw line upstaged only by his boyish smile, and the kind of body whose muscular tone is evident even behind the thickest of winter coats.

But the fact is, People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me, your disapproving and disbelieving looks cruelly mock my boyfriend’s affection for me.

I need you to respect our love.

I need you to respect that my boyfriend is, in fact, in love with me.

And finally, I need some plastic surgery if I am going to hold onto him for much longer. So back off and let me enjoy the unbelievable sex while it lasts.

Warm regards,
Stephen Karam