Dear President Bush:
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this letter. I’ve written to you on two prior occasions, but I think the Massachusetts return address had something to do with both letters being sent back to me unopened and stamped with “Return to Evolution-Mongering Abortion-Peddling Detester of America, Liberty, and God.” But if you’re reading this third letter, it’s because you’ve managed to look past my treasonous postmark or because you believed me when I wrote “Free Al Qaeda Lieutenant Inside!” on the face of the envelope. I’m sorry for misleading you, but now that you’re reading, I have an urgent matter to discuss.
It hurts to suggest this, but I think your legacy is in jeopardy. You’re not to blame, of course. Almost every day, the liberal media rush to broadcast blood-soaked images from the latest car bombing while devoting none of their coverage to the many unexploded vehicles parked curbside. It’s not fair, but these are the people writing—and editing—history. I know you promised our military an indefinite commitment to a mission that gets papered over with a brand-new mission every few months like a highway billboard, but I don’t think our men and women in uniform would begrudge you a quick yet honorable solution. And I have one.
First, let me give you a little background.
It has been a couple of months since the tragic events at Virginia Tech, and though we were moved by the heroism of Liviu Librescu, a professor who blocked the door to his classroom with his own body, and by the hypothetical heroism of radio commentator Neal Boortz, who totally would’ve rushed the deranged gunman, we know that revulsion and grief will rule that day forever. So, we once again look to bigger issues and preventive measures. Alarmist liberals are, predictably, braying for more gun control, but I urge you to stick to your strict constructionist interpretation of the Second Amendment (except for the militia part). If the victims of Virginia Tech had been armed, maybe there would have been no need for Librescu’s sacrifice or Boortz’s valiant speculation. And I got to thinking: Why stop with one American college campus?
Here’s what I propose for Iraq: Distribute assault weapons to every Iraqi man, woman, and adolescent with the aptitude to crook a trigger finger. After all, the insurgents are a proportionately minuscule part of the overall population, and since the bad guys get hold of weapons anyway, why not put equalizers in the hands of law-abiding citizens? That’ll make any mass murderer with a death wish think twice—unless he’s got a death wish or something. And just think of the relief our soldiers will feel every time their patrol encounters a dozen Iraqis stroking AK-47s at a traffic light. They’ll say, “Man, maybe Al Qaeda should fight us at home, because they sure don’t stand a chance here.”
I suppose some of the weapons we provide could be used against us. But we all know that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. All a semiautomatic does is discharge 75 poor choices per minute. Remember that so-called assault-weapons ban we had? What happened there? Thugs merely adapted and replaced drive-by shootings with drive-by pillow smotherings, and no one was any safer.
But here’s the best part. The unrestricted flow of weapons will help expose the subversive element that poses the greatest threat to our soldiers and to civilized Iraqis alike: the unarmed. Think about it: Only someone who had a reason to feel protected from insurgents would feel secure not hoarding weapons. We will know our enemies by the food stashed in their pantries, the clothes cached in their drawers, and the wall tapestries concealing large areas of their walls.
I don’t care if you give me credit for this idea, Mr. President, just as long as you implement it. Most Americans can’t identify the people behind strategic breakthroughs like Shock and Awe or Sending Troops Into Battle With the Protective Equivalent of a Fishing Vest, but the people responsible know who they are. The quiet satisfaction will suffice for me.
Let the bullets fly. And let freedom reign.