My Dear Goopers,

I have big news. If you’re not currently lounging in one of the office Tranquility Pods, I’d encourage you to do so. If you prefer to remain standing at your ergonomic desk, that’s your right, and I respect it.

I’m excited to announce Goop is pivoting! While we’ve made a name for ourselves in the alternative wellness space, as well as the larger Lifestyle Brand category, we see the greatest opportunity lies in uncharted territory. Starting August 1st, Goop will be spinning into a global weapons manufacturing unit, as part of our acquisition by Lockheed Martin!

Guys, I know. This shift doesn’t seem like a fitting one for the #GoopGang.

But hear me out. Our site continues to face harsh criticism for our health advice, saying some of it is “utterly useless,” while other parts are “actively harmful.” We can borrow a phrase from Silicon Valley and finally tell our haters: “It’s not a bug. It’s a feature.” Doesn’t “actively harmful” sounds like a five-star review for our next venture?!

I won’t lie to you and say I’m a firm believer in fate (our destiny is controlled by powerful crystals) but I do think this pivot was always meant to be part of the Goop journey. With that said, the transition will require some major changes. Let me reassure you, no matter what, our Goop DNA will remain 100% the same. For one, we will not acknowledge DNA as a formally accepted scientific concept.

As we enter an industry where “negative health” is the goal, many of our current offerings will carry over seamlessly. But with any major pivot, there will be some change. Let us recall the mantra which sits above our communal nourishment center: the only kind of Goop that works is a transparent Goop. Accordingly, I’d like to share some of initial product plans:

1. Yoni Eggs will now be used as a close-range melee ammunition. Current design will remain the same, but the vibrant colors will be recolored for a more drab, military style (think: industrial chic) and be renamed to YE-391s.

2. Our Alkaline water treatment systems will now be sold as AWTS-90s (turns out these things make water poisonous! Goops!)

3. The Goop Affiliate Program will continue as-is. Details below:
-Commission on net sales, excluding shipping, taxes, and returns
-Regular updates on new collections and access to high-res images
-Free to join

4. The Digital Kegel Gauge will be rewired to operate as a discreet missile guidance system.

5. The Goop Battle Laser, while it is a best-seller, will no longer be offered on our site. This is a decision we’ve made to avoid competition with our new parent company.

If you have any questions, concerns, or ideas to leverage existing Goop products for our conscious coupling with Lockheed Martin, I’m all ears! You always know where to find my assistant, who will relay your message to me within 5-7 business days. I couldn’t be more proud of everything Goop has done so far. But I am exhilarated to see what’s next!

Yours in alternative wellness,