For a laxative, try eating a little Pepsodent.
None of us enjoy that more than Pam,
Who once worked at a toothpaste factory.
Pam is now president of Berkman Lumber
And could kick your ass at the drop of a hat.
She no longer needs a laxative as powerful as that.

She has developed these huge muscles that
Enable her to pop a closed tube of Pepsodent
Simply by placing it under her hat,
Smiling, and saying, “My name is Pam,
I supervise the workers at Berkman Lumber,
Though I used to work at a toothpaste factory.”

Pam sometimes wanders back to that factory
Transfixed by the fumes of the industry that
She grew up with. The aroma of lumber
Soon beckons her back, her Pepsodent
Smile reassuring the workers who chant, “Pam!
Pam! Pam!” as she takes off her hat.

Because of her, each of them has a hat
Too, but not like the hats back at the factory,
Which are white and sterile; they are like Pam’s,
Tall and shiny and multicolored, with a logo that
Says, instead of “Welcome to Pepsodent,”

Sometimes the hats tip or fall off, bumped by lumber
Or a ladder. Pam insists that everyone needs a hat
“Just like we had back at Pepsodent.”
She basically wants to run the mill like a factory
Even though the Berkman board has told her that
The world does not revolve around Pam.

“The board can bite me,” scoffs Pam,
“I am the president of Berkman Lumber,
The foreman, the head. This is the house that
Pam built!” Workers cheer, throw their hats
In the air, like folks do back at the factory—
They roar as Pam pops a tube of Pepsodent

By saying a few words as she places it under her hat.
But inside, she is remembering the factory,
Whispering to herself, “Welcome to Pepsodent.”