[Originally published January 14, 2014.]
Do not enroll your child in a private school. He/she will become a self-entitled sociopath.
Do not allow your child to go to Hudson University. Do I even need to say why?
Do not allow your child to have a roommate while attending college that is not Hudson University. Said roommate will sleep with her significant other and then murder her for jewelry.
If your child stays in his room too long, it means he is in a cult.
Don’t have a second child. The first child will try to kill him and pin it on you.
Don’t keep your young children on a strict macrobiotic diet; they will end up in police custody because they were found eating pizza from a trash can, and will most likely be murdered by an older brother.
When your child starts dating, make sure she is not getting involved unknowingly with her own half sibling, as a result of your spouse having a second secret identity/family across town.
If your child’s best friend is murdered by a homeless crack addict for money, be careful: that might make him want to join the army.
Don’t raise your kids in New York City. They will end up running their own adult website and spending all their money on video games.
Don’t raise your kids in Connecticut. They will just steal your car and take joy rides into New York with their friends, who will most likely kill them and leave them in the trunk.
Warn your kids to stay inside on garbage day. Piles of trash almost always have bodies in them.
If your stepson is acting funny, check the cellar for child slaves. They are usually right next to the Tide detergent but sometimes under his bed in a large drawer. Or in a dog crate in a barn outside a house in upstate New York. Best to stay away from barns and upstate New York altogether.