In the criminal justice system, politically based offenses are regarded as especially heinous. In the Pacific Northwest, a group of decentralized militiamen investigates these crimes. What authority do they have? None, except they appear to know the cops from a Facebook group where they share racist memes. These are their stories.

- - -

CAPT. CRAGEN: See those men brandishing handguns at people trying to enter the polling station? Those are your new squadmates.

DET. TUTUOLA: You’re telling me these are just dudes with guns? And we have an unspoken agreement that they can commit all the violence we can’t as police? What kind of violence can we not commit as police?


DET. STABLER: Looks like people broke a window at Target.

DET. BENSON: So what, these perps get off on causing minor property damage?

DET. STABLER: It’s OK, those guys drinking beer and listening to Jimmy Buffett are just going to indiscriminately shoot into a crowd of people that may have had something to do with this.

DET. BENSON: That’s some good police work, Det. Stabler.


A.D.A. CABOT: So we’ve got two victims here, the broken window and the militiaman who shot six people. You know we need one of them on the stand and I don’t think the glass will crack.

DET. BENSON: You don’t understand. It was very traumatic for him to shoot all of those people.

A.D.A. CABOT: You hit the streets and you bring him in to testify. Where would a meme-loving gunman who dresses up like a Call of Duty character hide?

DET. BENSON: The police union Twitter page’s comments.


DET. BENSON [through Twitter DM]: We’re going to need to get you on the stand to testify, that way those window-breakers you shot can’t strike again. You’re the victim here, and if you don’t testify, then the perp is going to do this to Targets all over the country. Do you want that on your conscience?

TWITTER USER @Q-BELIEVER88: I can’t testify in a courthouse. I read a blog that says George Soros bugged the ceilings when he took out the asbestos.

DET. BENSON: What is it that you need to get you to testify?

USER @Q-BELIEVER88: Frankly, I don’t know where to start unpacking my own wants, but I know I’m very angry, I have many guns, and Detective Elliot Stabler gave me carte blanche to do whatever I want.

DET. BENSON: I’m going to get you on that stand, @Q-believer88.


DET. TUTUOLA: Hey guys, I’m concerned about our new co-workers. I was at the polling station earlier today and a bunch of them just beat the crap out of a guy wearing waders. They were shouting that he was hiding ballots in the creek, but I know a fisherman when I see one.

DET. BENSON: Now that you mention it, they said they supported law and order, but then they kept driving their trucks through crowds of people.

DET. STABLER: Only police can drive trucks through crowds of people!


CAPT. CRAGEN: Detectives, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re all fired. Clean out your desks by noon.

DET. BENSON: What do you mean? This country needs police now more than ever.

CAPT. CRAGEN: Actually no, these guys are much more efficient at beating the shit out of people. And since that’s not something we’ll investigate, we’re all pretty redundant at the moment.

DET. TUTUOLA: Damn, this is a real cab drivers vs. UBER situation.