Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Thank you to the members of Congress present for inviting me to speak before this committee. You have heard a lot of arguments for not extending Bush-era tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans, but they are not the only ones affected by this vote. What about people like me who depend on the super-rich?

My name is Charlie Franks, and I make a good honest living as a human pony. I get down on all fours and transport a privileged child between the rooms of his parents’ mansion while he beats me and yells obscenities. But, if President Obama has his way, I’ll be going from the pony line to the unemployment line.

If my eccentric billionaire employer does not get his tax break this year, it is likely the first cuts he will make will be to so called luxuries such as paying a man to eat oats and make pony noises while his child urinates on that man. Do not punish the job creators of the world for being successful. If anything, we should be thinking of how to reward the benevolent rich for keeping these jobs in America.

Elitist liberals sipping their iced coffees don’t understand what a hard day’s work is, but I do. Yes, my hands are calloused. Yes, most of my hair has been pulled out. Yes, I am covered in bite marks from the weekly Battle Royales against the other human ponies in the neighborhood. These are the scars of the American worker.

I urge you to extend tax cuts for all Americans. I would even say you should extend additional tax cuts to the top income earners. Then good men like my employer could hire additional human amusements. I could really use some coworkers. As little Maxfield has started to mature his roughhousing has become pretty sexual.

Thank you for your time.