Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Albert Stiener: The Colonoscopy King. Please listen closely as our menu options have changed.

If this is an emergency and you’re in need of immediate medical assistance, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.

If you’re tired of Big Government getting involved in every aspect of our lives and trying to take away our freedoms as well as our medical licenses we never even had in the first place, press the star key now.

If you’re calling to join one of the ongoing class action lawsuits regarding my use of your colonoscopy videos on social media and in various film festivals, please stay on the line. Don’t hang up; just keep waiting on the line indefinitely.

If you’re calling because you’re confused by our slogan, “This ain’t your granddaddy’s colonoscopy,” press the “end call” button, because you don’t get it and you’re not ready for what we’re all about.

If you read the slogan and you definitely “get” our whole vibe, press 1 and join the waitlist. We will start scheduling appointments once we finish all these annoying depositions.

If you want to get involved in lobbying Joe Biden’s Department of Health and Human Services to lift the draconian measures that require training and medical licenses for colonoscopers (?) and allow unlicensed, uninhibited artists like myself to thrive creatively, please press 2.

If you’re a returning patient who didn’t realize the paper you signed when you walked in included the phrase “unlicensed and unregistered colonoscopy,” don’t press any numbers. Just sit there and think for a second. Who would you rather have operating your rectal camera: some nerd doctor that spent their twenties with their head in a textbook; or someone with basically a film degree and whose short film adaptation of The Very Hungry Caterpillar was called “Cinematographically beautiful, but containing too much gore and nudity for our audiences,” by the New England Children’s Film Festival?

Once you realize you’d rather have the short film guy, press 1 and join our waitlist.

If you’re one of the many people who watched the tape of their colonoscopy and felt that the dramatic lighting and the Hans Zimmer-inspired musical score added to—not detracted from—the end product, press 3 now.

If you’re calling because you did not care for the “establishing shot” at the beginning of the video, hang up and take it up with God. I didn’t make your hole look like that, He did.

If you purchased the premium version of your colonoscopy video but are having trouble connecting your Oculus VR headset for an immersive 3D colon experience, please press 4.

If you’re calling because ever since you left the office, every time you pass gas a little puff of smoke comes out, please press 5 and someone will explain to you why we used a fog machine, as well as the benefits of practical effects versus adding in the fog and ambiance in post-production.

If you’re just like a chill person that doesn’t want to file a lawsuit or complain about your butt video and just wants to talk about the Lakers, press 6. Please.

If you have a complaint about the plot of your colonoscopy video, press 7. We are happy to try to accommodate any changes. However, you gave us complete creative control, and you will be responsible for paying for any reshoots required. Also, please note that we often make creative decisions because there are dark, cancerous-looking spots in your colon that don’t photograph well, and we’re forced to scout other locations in your GI tract. This can impact the story.

If you’ve found tiny figures in your stool, please press 8 so we can arrange for someone to come pick them up. Don’t worry; we thoroughly disinfect all figures between patients. More or less.

If you enjoyed the emotional arc of your colonoscopy film and would like to see more bonus content, deleted scenes, or the director’s cut, press 9.

If you’re from the Cannes Film Festival and you’re confused by the video intro for my submission, I apologize; I thought it was pronounced “cans.” I thought a perfect entry for the “Cans Film Festival” would be a film that takes stories we shot and filmed from several different people’s “cans” and intertwines them, like a rectal Love Actually. Please press 0 to connect to me directly so we can discuss.

To hear these options again, hang up, call back, and listen properly next time.