Thank you for calling East Hill Elementary’s absentee reporting and contact tracing hotline. Please listen carefully, because our menu options have not changed since the development of the Omicron variant.

  • To report your child’s non-COVID-related absence, press 1.
  • To report that your child has tested positive for COVID, press 2.
  • To report that your husband has tested positive, is currently isolating in the basement, and complaining about the weak Wi-Fi signal while you manage three children under six, only some of whom have elected to wear pants today, press 3.

Thank you for not concealing your child’s exposure to COVID.

  • To request a series of tangentially related handouts that you will struggle to understand and your child will refuse to complete at home during her ten-day, or seven-day with a negative test, or, um, we mean, five-day quarantine period with or without a test, press 1.
  • To demand access to the nonexistent virtual learning option that you recently signed an online petition protesting, press 2.
  • To refuse to quarantine, press 3.

Thank you for sharing that our district does not care about children.

  • To report that we have discriminated against your child by requiring quarantine of unvaccinated children who have been exposed to the virus, press 1.
  • To report that we have discriminated against your healthy, vaccinated child by placing him in a class with healthy, unvaccinated children, press 2.
  • To leave a message about the microaggression committed by the principal when he moonlighted as a contact tracer and mispronounced your family’s last name on a voicemail, press 3.

Thank you for sharing your opinion on the district’s educational priorities and progress.

  • To make a data-free claim in which you extrapolate from your child’s five-minute struggle with question number three on this afternoon’s math homework that learning loss is rampant in our suburban, predominantly white, affluent district, press 1.
  • To place your order for Falafel Friday, press 2.

If you would like to contact the nurse’s office, please listen for the following options.

  • To leave a message with details specific to your child’s current health condition, press 1.
  • To leave a message in which you question the nurse’s education, training, and basic understanding of science, press 2.
  • Press 3 to listen to a recording of our nurse sobbing in the early hours of the morning.

If you wish to be connected with one of the burgeoning special-interest groups across the district, please listen carefully.

  • To join the I’m Not the Parent Who Ever Complains But group, press 1.
  • To join the We Know That In-Person Instruction Has Been Going On Since September 1, 2020, but We Demand That You Reopen the Schools group, press 2.
  • To join the I’m Not Really Angry at You, I’ve Just Been Completely Abandoned by Society’s Institutions and Every Time I Look My Child in the Eye I Think, “I’ve Failed You, We’ve Failed You, I’m So Sorry, What Can I Do?” and I Just Want to Connect with Another Person Even If That Means Railing Against Anything and Everything the District Has on Offer group, press 3.

To repeat these menu options, press 1. To howl into the void, press 2.

Thank you for calling East Hill Elementary.