“Hey!! I’m walkin’ here!!!”

If you were in New York City, a place where people walk, you will find yourself in situations whereupon yelling this at the taxi driver who nearly ran over your foot is acceptable. But in Los Angeles, you do not walk. You drive everywhere, even to your next-door neighbor, as seen in L.A. Story, a movie beloved by all Angelenos. It is their favorite movie. Angelenos usually greet each other with a classic line from L.A. Story like, “I’ll have a twist of lemon” or “Hello, I am Steve Martin, star of stage and screen, specifically the movie L.A. Story.”

“You can’t find a good bagel in L.A.”

While it is true that there are no Jewish people in the greater Los Angeles area, that is not the reason for its dearth of good bagels. A good bagel is hard to find because the finest bagels are boiled, baked, and immediately shipped to Gargonxadole, the monstrous 50-foot beast who lives underneath the Cahuenga Blvd. overpass. His taste for bagels is insatiable.

“L.A. doesn’t have any seasons.”

False. June is For Your Consideration Emmy billboard season. September is New Fall Lineup billboard season. January is For Your Consideration Oscar billboard season. January through December is You Probably Have AIDS or Gonorrhea So for Christ’s Sake, Please Use A Condom billboard season.

“New York, The City That Never Sleeps!”

Originally a nickname given in honor of NYC’s vibrant nightlife and bustling pace, the name gained new meaning after bedbug infestation and rising rent made it literally impossible for New Yorkers to sleep. While not as sleep deprived as New Yorkers, it is common for all of Los Angeles to grind to a halt during the monthly 2:45 AM showing of L.A. Story on Starz Comedy West (channel 653 on DirecTV).

“L.A. is so superficial. NYC is far more gritty.”

Correct. Los Angeles is the birthplace of superficiality due to it being home of the entertainment industry. People from Los Angeles only care about superficial topics, like physical appearance and job status. In New York City, the fashion and financial capital of the world, neither area is given much thought by its residents.

“Los Angeles has the best sunsets.”

True. But not for the reason you think. While many believe that L.A.’s picture perfect sunsets are caused by sun rays passing through the smog-filled atmosphere, it is actually a painted backdrop in tribute to the ending of every Angeleno’s 2nd favorite movie, The Truman Show. I’ll have a twist of lemon to that!