Percy, sometimes when a god loves a woman and loves her very much, he turns himself into a dolphin and… well, if I remember correctly with your mother, a whole lot of barnacles, and…

This isn’t right. I haven’t done this in like a thousand years, so sorry if I’m a little rusty—this is kind of new to me too. I remember when my father Cronus gave me the “Talk.” He picked me up and said, “Son,” and then he ate me. The rest I had to figure out for myself after Zeus freed me from Dad’s stomach.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that as your demigod powers have developed, other things have developed too. You’re growing hair in unfamiliar places, you’re sweaty all the time, and you’re overwhelmed by an urge to swim back upstream to the place that you spawned. Changes all over, especially in… personal areas. And don’t worry, you’ve got nothing to worry about down there. Not only am I the God of the Sea, I’m also the God of Horses, if you know what I mean.

You may start feeling strange and unfamiliar feelings about other girls or boys your age, or maybe even an especially fetching lobster. Maybe, you’ll see someone special at camp, they won’t be that into you, but you start chasing them anyway, they run away, and right before you catch them, they turn into a tree. Trust me when I say it’s happened to everybody. You might even feel an overwhelming urge to kill your father and have sex with your mother. Don’t worry. That’s perfectly normal too.

It’s also not uncommon for boys your age to start experimenting with their bodies. You should know that that is totally normal, as long as you do that in private, and never, and I mean never, “finish the experiment” in the shower. That drains straight into the ocean, and that’s where Daddy works, okay?

I know that you’ve probably heard some of this stuff before. You may have already seen a couple of things on an older boy’s amphora and wondered, “What’s he doing to her?,” or much more likely, “What’s he doing to him and that other guy and also that dude who’s half-goat?”

Well, let me fill you in. There are a lot of different ways to have sex. There’s the “Nemean Hydra,” the “Reverse Nemean Hydra,” and “Cerberus-y Style.” That last one’s complicated, you need six people. The “Atlas.” That’s where you’re on the bottom and the entire world is on top. There’s the “Trojan Whores,” where you show up in a giant wooden horse and let them do all the work for you. Then there’s LXIX. Of course, don’t forget the “Homer,” which is just oral.

The most important thing is that you practice safe sex. A condom is a great way to prevent unplanned pregnancy and protect you from sexually transmitted diseases, like crabs, clamydia, and HPV. We’ve all got to do our part to prevent the spread of Haddock Papillomavirus. Honestly, I wish they’d been teaching more of this stuff back in my heyday; it would’ve gotten me out of a lot of trouble. It’s hard to deny that a kid’s yours when he can move water with his mind.

I’m sorry if this seems rushed. It’s just that every second that I’m here talking to you, a turtle gets its head stuck in a six-pack ring—lots of oceans out there—but I’m here for you if you have any questions. You know that your mom and I love you, no matter what kind of creep you turn out to be, because that’s how it’s going to play out, like genetically speaking. I come from a long line of pervy weirdos, and compared to your mom, I’m kind of a prude. That girl’s dirtier than the Exxon-Valdez—but that’s beside the point.

OK. Good talk? Good talk. Cool, buddy, I’ll see you next summer. Remember, I’m always just a prayer away. It’s a wild, wet, wonderful world out there, with many fish in the sea. And again, most importantly, don’t masturbate in the shower.