PRO: After their 15 straight division titles, you’ll finally get a reaction from the fans other than simply a patronizing laugh.
CON: Being exposed for the coward you truly are after Bobby Cox answers your heckles with a simple bladder-emptying stare in your direction.
PRO: Whenever Bronson Arroyo takes the mound, you can feel free to show off two of your more annoying tendencies: obnoxious karaoke singing, and loudly reciting the mythical qualities of Charles Bronson.
CON: The feeling of self-induced blame after watching Griffey get carted off the field mere moments after reminding him of his lengthy injury history.
PRO: When the team is playing in Florida, your heckles will echo throughout the barren stadium.
CON: Having to settle for the standard variations of “You suck” after realizing you don’t know the names of any of the players.
PRO: Clemens, Oswalt, Pettitte. Not only are they three of the best pitchers in the game but each has an easily mockable attribute. In order: age, short stature, endearingly goofy gait.
CON: After seeing that 10,000 fans had the same idea, you’ll have to attend a porn shoot with the actress Houston if you want anyone to think your pre-made “Houston, we have a problem!” T-shirt is clever.
Los Angeles Dodgers
PRO: If in Los Angeles, you can heckle freely for the first three innings without having to endure counterheckles from Dodger fans.
CON: The painful possibility of Jeff Kent running into the stands and tearing off your mustache because he feels you’re giving a bad name to the organization.
PRO: Reader Chris Havener writes, “Perhaps it was intentional, but your suggested heckle for Prince Fielder was a bit more vicious than normal. The reason his father doesn’t come to his games is more likely his need to dodge process servers and his general destitution after gambling away every penny he ever earned.”
CON: Being too inebriated to correctly pronounce the phrase “general destitution.”
San Diego Padres
PRO: Mike Piazza.
CON: Going to an unspecified circle of hell for insulting clergymen.
San Francisco Giants
PRO: Finally finding a decent setting to dispose of those 500 inflatable syringes you bought during a booze-fueled online shopping spree.
CON: Referencing anything that was created after 1963 will elicit nothing but blank stares from the geriatric team.