Hey, thanks for this opportunity. I’ve got some golden stuff here. Really think you’re going to dig it.

Oh, man! You’ll love this first one: two young lovers are walking through the leaves in Central Park—height of autumn, stupid pretty. So the guy says, “Will you marry me?” And, you know, drops to one knee. “But you have cancer,” says the woman—right? You with me? But the guy says, “I don’t, actually.” (Ha!) And then he says, “That was just a lie to explain my radiation treatments. I’m a sort of spider-man, and if nobody marries me I’ll never fulfill my lifelong dream of hatching millions and millions of eggs.” And, you know, it goes from there.

No? Okay, sure, not everyone’s cup of tea. But how about this: Time travel, right? Good so far? And? Yep: Reese fucking Witherspoon. And, wait for it: a quaint family-owned bakery … threatened by gay vampire developers. Booya!

Too political, you’re right.

Okay, how about this: a guy’s about to meet his fiancée’s parents. They drive to the house where she grew up—real, you know, quintessential Americana with the picket fence and big oak tree with a swing in it and disabled little brother you have to be quiet around and everything. So they’re sitting in the car in the driveway, and the girl’s all excited, and she looks at the guy with like total absolute joy, and says, “Ready?” And the guy nods, and begins to load his crossbow. Because he knows the dad is going to be a total dick and ask him how come he doesn’t have a real job—and it’s like, uh, freelance writing is a real job, asshole. Welcome to the fucking 20th century, you dumb corporate drone. But you can’t say that, right? So he just waits and waits for the dad to say something stupid and then it’s like, what’s up, check out my crossbow, it’s loaded. Who’s asking the questions now, bitch? Simple.

Okay, then there’s this one: A woman is a lesbian werewolf and a man is a gay vampire, but they move in together for tax purposes. And by some sort of Three’s Company misunderstanding—or whatever, we’ll work that out—they fall in love. Then the man starts seeing someone else, a mummy, and the woman joins an online zombie-dating site—and that’s before they start a freelance writing company that makes them all millionaires, and they don’t even bother to tell the werewolf’s dad because they’re so famous that it speaks for itself. I’m seeing Jeff Bridges in this one, possibly as himself. Sure, sure, just a few more. How about two Amish teenagers who find their love torn between the traditions of their community and their childhood dreams to take part in NASA’s first space orgy?

ALF vs. Predator? But they fall in love?

You’ve seen Bridget Jones, right? Yeah, so two friends in their thirties are trying to meet husbands in London England. One’s divorced; the other’s just ugly and fat. But through some miracle they start dating the same man, so obviously they both go back in time to kill each other’s parents. So that the other woman is never born. Got it? And so they show up in the past and the one woman’s dad is like, “Freelance writing? What kind of job is that? Do you even have health coverage?” And she’s just like, “What, bitch?” and pulls out her crossbow and is like BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! And the guy’s full of fucking arrows and she stands over him and—get this!—invoices him for the time!Wait, wait. So there’s this middle-aged librarian (I’m thinking CGI Bebe Neuwirth) who meets this total hunk on the internet. And they fall in love, and one day out of nowhere he appears at the library—and he’s just, like, jacked. Like Arnold in Conan the Destroyer jacked—like his muscles have muscles, know what I’m saying? But here’s the joke: he just follows her around the stacks, see, masturbating and screaming, “You’ve got male, you’ve got male!” Like M-A-L-E. Get it? Because he’s a guy.

Here: When Harry Met Sally’s Dad and Shot Him with a Crossbow Because He Was a Total Dick Who Was Like, "What Kind of a Job is Freelance Writing?"

Or: The Simpsons: The Movie. What?

Okay, wait. Last one. Promise. This is called Wet Dreams DO Cum True. Wait! You haven’t even heard me out. So, a schlubby, slightly overweight guy (Seth Rogan) works in the mail room of a company called Boner Central, Incorporated with a gay vampire and a shy, lisping Lithuanian shaped like an ice cream scoop. And Jessica Alba’s his boss, who he impregnates by accident after masturbating onto her mail—we can use the “You’ve got male” joke here, too, if you want. And in order to pay for the kid’s birth in outer space they have to make a porno together, which he writes because he’s a freelance writer on the side. In the meantime they kill Jessica Alba’s dad with a crossbow, mainly because he’s a total dick—or not kill him, just shoot him up a little so he’s around to see how successful the porno they make is. Yeah, Seth Rogan. My cousin went to high school with him, why? Wow, cool. Just like that, huh? For sure, check to cash is fine. I’ll write up the screenplay tonight and email it to you tomorrow. Awesome! This is so cool. I can’t believe I get to make a movie.