R U down 2 klown?
If U R down… then plop on into Dixie’s Klown Dump!
Yes: klowns.
No: clown-ass behavior. We klowns ain’t clowning around up in this dump! If U R into that kinda shit, then treat your trick into Pocket’s Clown Pump — quick — and prepare for your spaceship 2 be boarded!
Adults: only.
No: claps, chuckles or props. No jokes, tricks or slapstick. Absolutely NO balloon squeaks or creaks.
Our klown code: some clowns are just straight-up evil. And with their face paint and fixed smiles, the other clowns can’t be trusted — cuz they may be up 2 no good!
Evidence: will be furnaced upon request.
Stephen King: is our ally — but not our savior or champion. His wirk has helped 2 peel back the layers of paint that mask the clown’s true nature… It done good for our cause. But It ain’t enough!
Our purpose: is 2 undermine and suppress the clown’s efforts on a national level, while expanding our netwirk of klown operatives.
How: we suck balls. Literally! Big, colorful balls — we suck them — and then we wash them, dry them and blow the balls back from whence they was sucked: the ball pits of Pocket’s Clown Pump! This is the lair, or central nesting hole, of Pocket the Clown, one wicked MF. Pocket is the overlord of this chain of play-pens for drunk fools.
We: penetrate the Pump, in order 2 observe and kontrol clown behavior.
If U enlist with the Dump, you’ll stop by a Pump on a Friday or Saturday night, at the height of clown activity, and insist on speaking 2 the manager 2 tell them U R available for an unscheduled ball cleaning. If they say no, tell them you’ll wait outside in the parking lot, just in case… Do not wirry — 10 minutes won’t go by before some grown-ass person will drink 2 much or get sick from eating undercooked Pocket Burgers and crap their pants in the ball pit. Ha! Just watch and laugh as the manager comes running up 2 your slick klown van. Tell them U R gonna have 2 charge double because there was a better paying ball-sucking gig that U R gonna have 2 cancel in favor of sucking this Pump’s balls. They’ll pay — they always do — because not one employee inside that store is willing 2 get their hands covered in krap for such a shitty job.
But: we are. And with our patented ball-sucking technology, we make quick wirk of it!
Coveted skills U will “pick up” on the job: operation/maintenance of the Dump-Vac 8000. Biohazard abatement. Surveillance. Counterintelligence. Interrogation, impersonation, cryptology… Many of our employees go on 2 lucrative careers in the government-intelligence and janitorial industries.
How we finance our klown empire: cash from our award-winning cleaning services.
But also: it is a dirty job, and ball pits are 90% hair clumps, puke chunks, and hamburger bits, but there is much booty 2 plunder, and we pocket whatever booty we unearth in the Pump’s pits and we sell it. Cellphones, hair combs, wallets, and watches. Diamond rings and gold fillings. We’ve got it all! Check us on Etsy.
Once we are behind enemy lines: we abduct Pocket the Clown — there’s at least one Pocket at each Pump — and we take the Clown 2 the Dump for questioning and refurbishing. Meanwhile, we implant one of our own klown operatives inside the Pump 2 pose as Pocket.
This: allows us 2 understand the inner wirkings of our enemy, and 2 exert a more klown-like influence over the affairs of the Pump. It also gives our klown-mole the time 2 drill holes into the surface of all the balls in the ball pit and embed them with tiny cameras.
We: have eyes everywhere.
We: are watching.
In playing Pocket: our operatives may have 2 do some clown shit 2 appease the store manager and not get their asses fired. It is the shocking contradiction at the heart of our enterprise: 2 do our jobs correctly and protect national sekurity, we must become the enemy. 2 fulfill our mission, we have 2 sell our souls.
It’s OK. We understand. We’ve got your back.
However:
if we think that U have turned,
if we think that U have been compromised,
if WE SUSPEKT THAT U R IN 2 DEEP,
we will extrapolate U from the Pump and regurgitate U into the Dump’s warm folds. Once U have received Editing, we’ll wrench U loose from the Dump and expel U back into the Pump.
It: is a vicious cycle, of pumping and dumping, and dumping and pumping. And it never ends.
If that sounds good, if U R ready 2 apply for this exciting opportunity — if U R STILL DOWN — then U will need 2 pass a polygraph, a background check, and a medical and psychological evaluation. But before all that can happen, U must first do 2 things:
1: pledge allegiance 2 Dixie, the Mother Klown.
Dixie’s whereabouts: are unknown.
The Mother Klown: is MIA.
She was last seen by one of our undercover klowns getting sloppy drunk at a Pump, staggering around with her face caked in the Clown’s paint, then losing her lunch as she attempted 2 back-flip off the diving board into the ball pit’s deep end. The angle and velocity of her spin left no one unscathed. The barf blotted out all our cameras.
We believe: that Dixie has defected — that she is in Pocket’s pocket.
But we hold out hope: that she has gone into deep cover. That she is ascending the highest ranks of Pocket’s corporate leadership, and that she will emerge from Pocket’s hole at the appropriate time 2 reveal her master plan.
But we’re not sure: cuz she still hasn’t updated her LinkedIn!
2: before U can learn 2 subvert the enemy, U must first know the enemy — we want candidates with experience! If U wish 2 join the fabled ranks of Dixie’s klowns, if U aspire 2 become one of our covert agents, then go get a gig at Pocket’s Pump! Bonus points if it’s a kitchen job, because Pocket’s corporate office has led recent efforts 2 improve employee food-handling skills and cut off bar service 2 drunks, and now that we can no longer depend on the incompetence and addictions of others, we must find ways 2 introduce laxatives into the food supply 2 activate more krapping in the ball pits.
We: will be watching. Qualified candidates will be contacted when the time is right. Employment at the Pump, while highly regarded, is not a guarantee of employment at the Dump. We regret that we do not possess the resources 2 respond 2 all interested parties. This is not a paid position. We’ll let U know.