January 1
ME: Listen, can’t we talk about this some other time?
JEN: Some other time when? Our finances are a disaster! If we don’t take care of this situation now, we’re going to have to take out a second mortgage. So when do you plan—
KRAZY KRIS: Did someone say mortgage? That reminds me of a joke. What did the man say to the—
JEN: Who in the hell is this?
ME: That’s Krazy Kris! I hired him to provide comic relief! You know, for our relationship! For our lives!
JEN: Where did he come from?
ME: A special agency. For couples who are a little down. Anyway, look! He’s taking off his shirt! He’s popping his ample stomach in and out! Isn’t this fantastic? Honey? Yes?
JEN: How is he supporting himself? What exactly are you paying him?
ME: Our 401(k). Relax, it’s worth it.
JEN: Now he’s performing somersaults on our living-room floor.
ME: This guy can do anything. Isn’t he amazing?
March 3
JEN: I really don’t know what to do about my mother. We should talk about assisted care versus independent care—
KRAZY KRIS: Look at me, everybody! I’m making balloon animals!
JEN: For the love of … He has to make an appearance every time we have a fight? How does he even know when to come over?
ME: I have him paged.
JEN: He’s now playing a tuba and marching in step … I can’t hear myself think!
ME: Louder! Louder!
March 15
JEN: Are you aware that Krazy Kris is standing at the edge of our bed?
ME: I figured we needed to lighten things up a bit in the bedroom. Mind?
JEN: What’s that standing next to him?
ME: What does it look like? It’s a miniature donkey! Krazy Kris rented it for the night. Isn’t it adorable!
JEN: We haven’t made love in months!
ME: It’s the perfect remedy to take our minds off our problem! Kris, make the donkey bray! Do it!
April 4
KRAZY KRIS: Anyone up for some spin-art fun? Hey, where’s your wife?
ME: At her brother’s in Bethesda—she just moved out.
KRAZY KRIS: That’s terrible. I’m sorry.
ME: It had absolutely nothing to do with you. Entertain me, Krazy … I need it now more than ever.
KRAZY KRIS: Bunny hop! Grab on tight, folks! We’re goin’ for a ride!
May 27
KRAZY KRIS: Seen the TV remote?
ME: Aren’t you going to amuse me?
KRAZY KRIS: How much can I amuse you already? Four hours isn’t enough?
ME: When you first got here, you’d amuse me all day. How about a somersault?
KRAZY KRIS: With the day I’ve been having, no thank you. I don’t know, maybe tomorrow?
Yesterday
KRAZY KRIS: I think my troubles first started in college. Women could never relate to me as anything more than a friend. Always the funny guy, you know?
ME: God, you’re a bore. What’s the matter with you lately?
KRAZY KRIS: I guess even clowns have their off months. Sue me. Life ain’t all about the gags. Pass the remote.
Today
KRAZY KRIS: Seen the heating pad? My back is on fire. Oh, I’m in such a mood!
ME: Krazy Kris, I think we need to talk.
KRAZY KRIS: About what? And, by the way, my real name’s Christopher.
ME: I miss the juggling, the spontaneity, the animal tricks. It’s not like it used to be.
KRAZY KRIS: Welcome to life, big man.
ME: All I’m saying is that we need to have a little chat.
KRAZY KRIS: Ha! Give me a break! Who are you—my father? Here we go again! Pick, pick, pick! Like a goddamn crow!
ME: Well, I am paying your rent! And your food! So, yes, maybe I am your father!
KRAZY KRIS: Shut up!
ME: Excuse me? Who are you to talk to me like that? Who—
MR. PICKLES: Put your hands in the air! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!
KRAZY KRIS: Who in the hell is this? And why is he wearing a gigantic rainbow wig and playing the ukulele?
MR. PICKLES: They call me Mr. Pickles! C’mon, everybody! Dance! Dance! Dance your problems away!