The Birthday Clown Consortium Price Guide.
BY LUKE BURNS
For only $50, the Birthday Clown Consortium will provide you with a full-day birthday experience!
- Six clowns will arrive at your house just before sunrise, and wake you and your children by lightly tapping on your bedroom windows. These clowns will noisily caper about your house as you dress and groggily prepare for the day. If you can’t get moving fast enough, you’ll be treated to a pie in the face!
- At least a dozen clowns will be at breakfast with your family, during which time they will make conversation in their goofy, high-pitched voices, and mechanically eat their food with giant fixed grins on their makeup-caked faces!
- Thirty more members of the Clown Consortium will arrive shortly thereafter, and the party will really begin! The legion of clowns swarming about your house will offer compulsory balloon animal demonstrations and magic shows every fifteen minutes. Both performances involve extensive audience participation!
- Throughout the day, our clowns will provide mandatory face painting services to you, your children, your children’s friends, and your children’s friend’s parents. If your face paint fades, or if you wipe the paint off, our clowns will take you aside and repaint your face! They will perform this service as often as necessary!
- Children who are scared of clowns will be taken from their parents and treated to special one-on-one Laff Sessions with one of our clowns in a Clown Consortium Kiosk. These sessions will last as long as it takes—days, even—to ensure that the children are no longer scared of clowns!
- At the end of the day, each member of your family will be paired off with a clown. This clown will tuck you into bed, put a finger to his lips, whisper “sssssssshhhhhhh,” and slowly back into a closet or slip under your bed, where he will wait until you drift off to sleep!
For $250, we will limit our visit to 2 hours and only a dozen clowns will come to your house.
For $1,000, none of our clowns will come to your child’s birthday party at all. Keep in mind: even if you don’t pick any of the options listed above, our clowns may show up anyway to help your child celebrate his or her special day!
No matter which option you choose (or don’t choose), you will still be entitled to all the FREE services that the Birthday Clown Consortium offers to the community:
- Clown Consortium Clowns will watch over your family members whenever they leave the house. Our clowns will follow your children, making sure to dart out of sight, into the bushes or behind a tree, if the little ones turn around to try and identify their mysterious pursuers!
- Clowns will come to your property in the middle of the night and either noisily practice their pratfalls, or perform strange clown rituals in the shadowy places of your backyard!
- To create an ongoing atmosphere of surprise and whimsy, our clowns will hide throughout your home, wait until you let your guard down, and jump out of their hiding places to give you gifts of knives, chainsaws, and machetes!
If you don’t want to take advantage of these free services, simply send us a check for $8,500. This option entitles you to one whole year free of visits from any members of the Clown Consortium! Just remember, once the year is over, our free services will immediately start again.
Don’t go to the police! They are in our power! Think of your family, and send a check to the Birthday Clown Consortium today!
SUGGESTED READSThe Birthday Party Log of Ned, Born On February 29
by Brian Sutorius (2/13/2007)
Guidelines For Our Son Jeremiah’s First Birthday Party
by Christopher Monks (7/25/2006)
List: Universal Invoice for a Manhattan Child’s Birthday Party
by Justin Warner (3/4/2010)
RECENTLYA Brutally Honest Social Media Job Interview
by Sarah Fader (10/21/2016)
Monologue: Why Won’t You Kids Go to Sleep and Let Me Read Badfinger’s Wikipedia Page in Peace?
by Ben Godar (10/21/2016)
List: 20 Ways to Talk to Me About Your Home-Brewing Hobby
by Darren Hoyt (10/21/2016)
POPULARWhen My Grandkids Ask Me What I Did to Fight American Fascism, I’ll Proudly Tell Them I Tweeted a Few Times
by Sam Spero (10/19/2016)
Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire
by Melissa Janisin (10/18/2016)
Thanks, Cindy, for Making Eye Contact Through the Bathroom Stall and Making It Super Awkward During the Department Productivity Meeting
by Anna Kemp (10/14/2016)