As a centrist Democrat, I like many others, have been concerned about the rise in clowns waiting behind the shower curtain to stab us to death. Obviously, we all know they’re there whenever the shower curtain is closed, waiting with rusty knives to murder us when we’re most vulnerable. We all know the feeling of dread, certain the clowns are waiting, inches away, and then checking the curtain repeatedly only to find an empty shower stall.

For years, I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not there should be an organized response to these deadly clowns with spiders for hair behind the shower curtain, and I just don’t think the research is there yet. Of course, I’m very concerned about the one with two different colored eyes that screams my deepest secrets, but I’m just not sure I really want Big Government in my home.

Frankly, we just don’t know enough. Are they aliens or demons? Are they psychic projections of our deep-seated fears given a terrible facsimile of life through dark magics? Are the same clowns behind everyone’s shower curtains, or do we all have individually tailored monstrosities? I have the one with two mouths, one of which is always singing nursery rhymes in an eerie high-pitched voice, but if you don’t have that killer clown, should the response be the same? Do we need holy water and a priest or as-yet-undiscovered laser weaponry? There are so many variables, and for now, I think the best response is probably to just live in abject terror.

Should the federal government get involved? I don’t know. I’m not a constitutional scholar. In a way, aren’t specially trained federal agents in our homes just as dangerous as that one clown that seems to be moving backward in time?

I just think people overlook a lot of nuances. How you wish to deal with your shower clowns is a very personal decision. If we take that choice away, some people could actually be worse off. Some families might have access to magical weaponry or some sort of Omega Cube; if we get the federal government involved, do they lose access to those avenues? Is that fair? Maybe I want to get rid of the flaming half clown/half centipede with a fire extinguisher, or maybe I want to use bug spray. Regardless, I think I’m probably better equipped to make that decision than some bureaucrat.

These are tense times for the world, nowhere more so than in our very own showers and bathtubs. I know it’s difficult to ask people to wait for more research to be done, especially since some of the clowns seem to be growing in size and developing new insectoid appendages. Still, an uninformed response could be just as dangerous as that one clown that seems to have figured out how to work a chainsaw. We need more time to dedicate to research.

So, I say this: Stay the course. Stand firm. After all, what better place for absolute pants-wetting terror than a few feet away from a toilet?