I get it. I share a name with an infamous serial killer who also happened to be a children’s birthday clown like me. That’s where our similarities end, so please stop boycotting my services and give me one chance to entertain your children. I say one chance because that’s all I need to show them what a great clown I am, not because I only need one chance to kill them.

I don’t kill people.

I’m just like any non-murderous birthday clown. I juggle. I blow balloon animals. I make sure the boys enjoy the party. Yes, I only do boys’ birthday parties, and yes, John Wayne Gacy only killed boys and young men, but that’s not why I do them. Being a male, I only know what other males find funny. I wouldn’t know how to clown for a girl or a woman.

Sure, I could probably learn if I spent more sleepless nights studying in my dark, dank basement clown training area, but I’m a little scared to go down there anymore. It’s filled with too many memories that I prefer to avoid…

And by that, I don’t mean it’s haunted with the ghosts of the kids I’ve killed down there. It’s just filled with my old bowling trophies. I could’ve gone pro if I hadn’t screwed up my hand learning how to properly pie someone in the face.

That was fate telling me I should be a clown. Or that fate hated bowling.

Regardless, everyone that hears my name says I should have gone into any other profession than clowning, but that injury proved that I was destined to don the colorful wig, face makeup, and sign around my neck that says “I’m starting where the other Gacy left off. Regarding clowning, that is! Not killing.” Everyone that sees that sign says I should have made any other sign than that one, but until I get more gigs, I don’t have the kind of money needed for making another sign.

Honestly, none of this should even be a big deal. When the killer Gacy was a clown, he went by “Pogo the Clown,” which is totally different from my clowning name, “John Wayne Gacy the Clown.”

Plus, his full name was “John Wayne Gacy Jr.,” so if we’re getting technical, I have the same name as a serial murdering clown’s father, so I don’t see why people are so upset. And yes, I do plan on naming my son “John Wayne Gacy Jr.” and forcing him into clowning, but what I do with children is my business!

I mean what do I with my children. Not all children. Your kids are completely safe with me, especially if they’re boys!

If any prospective customers still have any worries about hiring me, I’m happy to provide the contact information of my friend and ex-employer who will gladly endorse my upstanding character. And yes, his name is O.J. Simpson, but he’s not that O.J. Simpson.

Unless you’re referring to the O.J. Simpson who played in the NFL and was accused of killing his wife.

Then, yeah, he’s that one.