“After a turbulent 45 days in office in which she crashed the markets, lost two key ministers, and shed the confidence of almost all her own MPs, Liz Truss said a new Conservative leadership election would be called to decide her replacement. Truss will be the shortest-serving prime minister in UK history.”
The Guardian, 10/20/22

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What were you thinking, Liz? You quit being prime minister of the UK just because you were a colossal failure? Where’s the logic in that?

In a REAL democracy, like the one we have here in the United States, right-wing leaders NEVER resign under any circumstances, even if they’ve been caught failing, cheating, or treasoning. In fact, especially when they’re caught treasoning.

Seriously, though, we here at the GOP have had politicians who have paid sex traffickers, enabled and covered up sexual abuse, abused girlfriends and wives, lied about election results, incited insurrection, confirmed an accused rapist to the Supreme Court, elected and defended a self-proclaimed sexual abuser and accused rapist to the presidency, defrauded Medicare, trafficked human beings to Martha’s Vineyard, fled to Cancun during a time of crisis, and blamed wildfires on Jewish space Lasers.

And honestly, that’s just a very partial list.

The point is, you name it, we’ve done it. But so what? That’s no reason for us to resign.

In America, egregious wrongdoings are just a golden opportunity to flood our constituents’ inboxes with pleas for money. Allow us to explain how that works: We do something terrible, and then when someone points it out, we defend ourselves against “slander” and fight back against liberal “lies.”

You see, Liz? When you’re a Republican, they not only let you do it, they reward you for it. Spreading lies and COVID misinformation is just a means to rake in some sweet dollars. Promoting an insurrection means you’re about to come into major money. And stealing top secret, classified files is simply a time-honored Republican way to cash in. We’re not joking here — please sign up for our mailing list and see for yourself. Also, remember to give us money every time we do something appalling.

A real leader doesn’t back down when they mess up. We can’t believe we even have to say this, but the job of a leader is to make sure voters believe that they—the leader—are always the true victim. The role of a conservative politician is to screw up repeatedly and then accuse the lamestream media of being biased, mendacious, or making a mountain over a nothing burger. Getting vanquished by a head of lettuce is one thing, Liz, but being held accountable is unforgivable.

Yes, sure, Dick Nixon resigned back in the day. But that was a different era. The 1970s happened ages ago, long before Fox News and conservative dark money and the Culture Wars convinced 40 percent of gullible Americans that Democrats were socialist satanic child traffickers that must be stopped by any means necessary. Picture a hippie, and you’ll understand just how messed up everything was back then. In fact, picture Charles Manson and he’d probably be a senator nowadays—but only in a red state, LOL.

And with that reliable base ensuring that Republicans retain power in any district populated by a majority of white people, there’s absolutely no reason for any GOP politician ever to be held accountable again, unless they spill the beans about our secret orgies, that is.

It’s a win-win situation for Republicans, Liz, whereas you clearly lost. It’s a perfect system for us conservative politicians who can fail, cheat, and steal and never have to worry about our jobs. And I think we can all agree that it’s a far better system than the one you have in the UK, where a PM has to give in to the woke mob and resign when they’re a total and abject failure.

Anyway, it’s over now, Liz. You’re not going to be prime minister anymore, and it’s all because you were a terrible prime minister, which is such a silly reason. You have to suffer consequences for your actions, which is the worst possible thing we at the GOP can ever imagine. And come November 8, we hope our voters agree.