Zombie that slips you a note that reads, “Call Police”

Machete-wielding maniac it will come to pass was not an employee

Spooky laboratory with scientist not even looking up as he cuts cocaine with strychnine

Unmistakable sound of a button fly being undone

Mirror that shows guests how happy they would’ve been if they had only stuck with their art

Proud Boys initiation chamber

Yet more damn nuclear codes stored haphazardly in a cardboard U-Haul box

Inflatable Mar-A-Lago on the front lawn

Broken window with AREN’T YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT? spelled out in blood

Ghost in flared jeans

Escape Room in which one has to solve the riddle of “Why we’re here. On Earth.”

Your psychiatrist moonlighting as a demon from hell. To be honest, his real dream has always been to act.

Blown-up photos of the results of the black light test at your most recent hotel stay

Stern representative from the US Department of Agriculture ranting on about spotted lantern flies

Lindsey Graham, struttin’ around all macho and stuff

Hourly reenactments of the behind-the-scenes dysfunction associated with Olivia Wilde’s Don’t Worry Darling

As you enter, you’re assaulted by the theme from Seinfeld playing at ear-splitting volume

Door that won’t unlock until you finish a day-old blowfish sushi platter

Pete Davidson exchanging numbers with a witch

Meticulous reenactments of workplace accidents

One of the ghosts brought her kid

Sign outside house that reads, PRESENTED BY HELLMANN’S MAYONNAISE.

One of the demons is sitting on a toilet with the door open

Frankenstein rummaging through your handbag

The torture room from Hostel but Eli Roth is there and wants you to watch the film with him

Two California Raisins performing the “Roger the dog man” scene from The Shining

The monsters pay no attention to you because they’re all glued to an episode of Blue Bloods

At least three of the actors hired to scare you are dressed up as Austin Powers

Horrifying sound effects repeatedly interrupted by Spotify ads for the Joe Rogan Experience

A normal-looking living room, but the air is choked with Wolfman dander

Never-ending loop of all the TikToks ever shot at the Body Worlds exhibit

Step right up and thrust your hand into this purse full of faintly damp COVID masks!

Guy in a Scream mask directing your attention to a very real ant infestation

The Antichrist Impregnation Ritual Selfie Experience

Scary clown who accuses you in helium voice of wanting to steal the Amazon package on the porch

Anguished shrieks of Airbnb guests who weren’t told this was happening

You’re invited to donate plasma for the “bleeding walls” feature

Haunted doll, still “mint in box.” A wraith scolds you for touching it.

An animatronic Rudy Giuliani being frottaged by the real Rudy Giuliani

A werewolf polishing off a hundred-piece Buffalo wing platter, his fur slick with an orange sheen

Slender Man filming a music video to “Running Up That Hill”

Count Dracula with a wet cough and wearing a MAGA hat

Zombie daycare

What at first glance looks like Nick Nolte’s mugshot but turns out to be a mirror

Room with a fire alarm that needs its battery replaced

A pumpkin-spice fog machine working overtime

Tupac’s hologram, recently purchased on eBay for forty dollars

Slimer from Ghostbusters passing the steaming remnants of two dozen half-digested hot dogs

Vampire with your exact haircut, shoes