• Highly experienced former full-time boyfriend with eclectic clientele
• Low-maintenance serial monogamist
• Handsome, smart, charming, extremely modest
• Leverage background to identify potential lifelong or overnight soul mate
• Establish emotionally profitable strategic alliance together
• Prefer any body types, except oblong or trapezoidal
• Opportunities for rapid advancement optional
• Team player if properly supervised around the clock
• Creates culture of creative collaboration featuring all-night brainstorm sessions and out-of-the-box activities
• Will respect and trust any woman willing to respect and trust me at least twice as much
• Handled increasing levels of responsibility
• Delivered wide spectrum of personal services and met key performance metrics that contributed substantially to romantic bottom line
• Devised incentive policy to improve retention, lowering break-up rate in 2010 by estimated 32%
• Pioneered innovative concept of venturing beyond dating phase into facsimile of long-term commitment
• Garnered satisfactory results for all clients except two or three who should no longer even really count because of lapses in judgment that could happen to anyone unaware of how crazy and cold and controlling certain women can be if given half a chance
12/2010-Present: Freelance consultant on extended, self-imposed sabbatical.
6/2010-12/2010: Alison, Chief Love Officer. Instrumental in managing her emotional turnaround, due largely to intensive three-month back-rub program, enabling her to overcome longstanding intimacy issues.
4/2010-5/2010: Rachel, Executive Vice Paramour. Received excellent performance reviews. Hired on interim basis while real boyfriend, Bradley, recovered from motorcycle accident in long-term rehabilitation facility.
3/2010-4/2010: Mona, Senior Account Armpiece. Duties involved listening closely to chronic complaints about men being pigs and pretending to care. Less Miss Right, it turned out, than Miss Right Now. Implemented “open” relationship without telling her, succeeding only until she found out.
4/2009-3/2010: Numerous side trips, detours, lost weekends and mistakes hardly worth mentioning at all except in the interest of full disclosure, due diligence and corporate transparency.
8/2008-10/2009: Dolores, Junior Associate Squeeze. Regularly applied problem-solving techniques, such as remembering all her birthdays and anniversaries. Twice spearheaded conversations about moving in together unprompted. Nearly earned tenure.
7/2008-8/2008: Sally, Summer intern. Argued about everything—even whether, given a choice in an emergency, to opt for air or water—until hoarseness forced us both to learn sign language. Never complained despite her annoying habits of breathing while eating and blinking in her sleep.
Oh, you bet.
Advanced canoodling, moonlit dinners in mid-afternoon, candlelit breakfasts at midnight, unlit lunches in midtown coffee shops, Axl Rose impersonation during orgasm.
Four-time winner of BEST BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES CONTEST (self-nominated).
Boyfriends Anonymous, American Society of Wannabe Stud Puppets.
Mother, Aunt Sybil and first babysitter.