PUTIN: Congratulations on your election, Victor Downforthecountov. Even though you were elected on an anti-Russian platform in a former Soviet state, I hope that will not come between us two republican leaders. Here, enjoy this soup.

DOWNFORTHECOUNTOV: (Accepts bowl of soup.) Not at all, Vladimir. May I call you that? I am sure you are sincere, although, two weeks ago, after I received a congratulatory letter from your office, my face erupted in disfiguring blisters and I had to have a kidney removed. But I’m certain you have put any rancor behind you.

PUTIN: Of course. But why are you staring at your soup?

DOWNFORTHECOUNTOV: Isn’t it odd that it’s begun to boil? The beets and cabbage are all roiling around. I’m afraid I’ve lost my appetite. (Replaces his spoon on the table without eating. Then dies and falls forward, spilling his soup.)

PUTIN: (Chuckling.) The soup was deadly enough, but it was your napkin that got you.