An unexpected discovery this week will make all your current problems feel small. Specifically, the discovery that an extinction-level event happens on Earth with some regularity at least once every 50 million years, and our planet is currently overdue.
If you feel as if life has been moving too fast lately, consider taking a vacation down south. Due to special relativity, time moves more slowly at the equator than the pole.
Thanks to the Andromeda Galaxy, which is approaching the Milky Way at a rate of 110 kilometers per second, you will rethink your own mortality.
The explosion of Supernova 1989A sent an unexpected shower of gamma rays through your flesh as a young girl, the escalating mutations from which may eventually make your astrological sign more ironic than it currently is.
Consider investing in the wristwatch industry. Man-made dams are slowing the rotation of the earth and increasing the length of the day. And more seconds in a day mean the timekeeping market will only continue to grow.
Look towards Betelgeuse, the bright red giant likely to go supernova at any moment. In fact, it may have already exploded, and you just don’t know about it yet. In that sense it is similar to your ambitions.
Watch out for Venus this week. Escalating CO2 levels in its atmosphere led to an out-of-control greenhouse effect, turning the once-verdant world into a hellscape of constant lightning storms, 800 degree heat and deadly sulphuric acid rain. In any case, perhaps it is time to start carpooling to work.
Mercury is in retrograde, which means that if you were to record its relative location in the sky every night you would notice that, against the plane of stars, it appears temporarily to move backwards in comparison to the rest of the bright objects that move along the ecliptic. This is all that this means, though.
The Sun will play a big role in your life this week, mainly because all life on earth owes its existence to its energy, with the possible exception of the chemotrophs living in deep-sea vents.
You will find you have something in common with a new friend — namely, the fact that both of you live in a solar system that orbits Sagittarius A*, the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy, with an orbital period of 100,000 years.
Spend a day at the beach or taking a hike. You deserve it! Also, as the core of the Earth cools, the tectonic plates will cease their motion, and continents and mountains will slowly erode into the sea until Earth is a blue ocean planet, making dry land a fleeting luxury.
Thinking about quitting your job? You may want to reconsider. The inevitable heat-death of the universe, in which all existing matter will end up as stray, lonely photons in a sparse and cold universe, will render all life decisions ultimately meaningless.