Do you thaw unwrapped scallops in the fridge’s butter compartment?

Will you sell my bed on Kijiji when I’m not home?

When you first meet my grandparents, will you lead with that story about getting an abortion?

Do you have conference Skype calls at 5 am so you can sing “Amazing Grace” with your cousins?

Are your interests restricted to Beef Wellington and cocaine?

Do you know how to braid your hair and take the bus, or will you need written instructions?

When I go out of town, will you invite your friend to live on our couch and throw used condoms on our carpet?

Do you write inspirational quotes on whiteboards?

Are you hiding a pregnancy by hiking up your sweatpants?

Do you think that running a hairdryer 24/7 is an acceptable substitute for buying a space heater?

Do you have a “no men in the house” policy?

Do you leave lychee husks on the bathtub rim?

Will you refuse to sit on furniture that doesn’t belong to you?

Do you have freegan friends who will root through our garbage?

Do you mind the fact that I’m a bit of a weirdo loner who spends most of her time watching Felicity and the rest of her time sneaking to and from the kitchen to grab fistfuls of chocolate chips?