This is our 16th most-read article of 2018.
Originally published September 4.
“When you step over a certain age, you wonder what upgrades to make to your image so that you could look decent, respectable, fairly youthful, and not outdated. Women who are aging gracefully and try to look modern always admire everyone around.” — TheRightHairstyles.com
Procure a fine purple yarn and crochet yourself a wig as thin and fragile as your waning relevance in American society.
Wrap your head in spider webs and sit on your front porch throughout October.
Complete the following equation: Multiply the number of times a man validates your existence by making a pass at you, by the number of women over 50 on television who aren’t cast as a benevolent grandmother or evil mother-in-law. Keep this many inches of hair. Spike it, if possible.
Chop off your shoulder length hair, wrap it around your decommissioned womb, and return it to the heavens inside a paper lantern.
Look into prescription drugs that will automatically release your hair from its follicle prison at the stroke of midnight on your 50th birthday, so you don’t have to make a decision and can focus on cookie recipes and cribbage.
Enlist your grandchildren to squeeze out custom multi-colored tresses with their Play-doh Spaghetti Maker Deluxe. Put it on and laugh because infantilizing seniors is funny.
Keep the same hairstyle you have and use the time you’ve saved to reflect on how condescending and patriarchal it is to tell a woman to change her hair at a certain age.