Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Ehh I think I’m good,
You are more like a rando
Winter evening, blusters of ice and snow,
The kind of night that makes me want to move out of my van
And get a real apartment-speaking of that-
Could I crash with you for a while?
Your sister Denise though, now she is summer day worthy.
Is she single btw?
To me gurl, you never can be old,
But when you turn 26 please lose ma phone number
‘Cause I would like to not talk to you ever again.
Each spring beautiful roses bloom
And trees grow but I can tell you are getting slightly less hot
Which is upsetting to me since your beauty
Is why I liked you.
But the good thing is this poem-eth will love on
And in this poem you will always be 21,
Sparkling, blooming, mine.
My love is a fever, specifically herpes
But I think it’s your fault gurl.
I don’t know what-eth you’ve been up to,
Which Dairy Queens you frequent on the weekend
And which Dairy Queen employees you’ve been making
Out with behind ma back-(I know I said-eth
We were “not exclusive” but that meant
I could hook up with others, that clause
Was not related to you)
I know I have been throwing up constantly
And it’s probably your fault,
Because you took my sweet, innocent
Heart and stomped it.
You are but a whore.
When I am completely out of favor
Because I failed my dance-off
I do not know what to do because I am but a man
And do not know how to handle emotion.
Sometimes I cry and stare off my boat-home
And other times I sext your sister from
My burner phone,
But mostly I am just overcome with barrels
Of sadness and anguish about what will be.
But then, I think of you gurl,
And my sadness evaporates
And I know I will dance again
And you’ll be there watching me,
Throwing Gatorade at me when I am but parched.
Love should end when any problem is found
That type of love that does it for me is the kind that
Ends after 5 hours when I realize you’re not a natural blonde then is back on
When I get horny. That short love
is something purer than normal love, a nobler love.
My love for you alters whenever I find a problem
Like I see that you forget-eth to shave your legs
Or you tried to call me on my real phone number
And not the burner number I gave you.
Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing,
I now realize you have such value gurl,
Did you know that?
You to me are as valuable as
a thousand sparkling diamonds or like really good left over potato chips
I find under my van,
You deserve to be free.
When we hooked up, you didn’t know how much you are worth
But today I leave you with a copy of The Feminist Mystique
And I hope you learn you do have value
Cause a dude told you.