Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Ehh I think I’m good,
You are more like a rando
Winter evening, blusters of ice and snow,
The kind of night that makes me want to move out of my van
And get a real apartment-speaking of that-
Could I crash with you for a while?
Your sister Denise though, now she is summer day worthy.
Is she single btw?

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Sonnet 104

To me gurl, you never can be old,
But when you turn 26 please lose ma phone number
‘Cause I would like to not talk to you ever again.
Each spring beautiful roses bloom
And trees grow but I can tell you are getting slightly less hot
Which is upsetting to me since your beauty
Is why I liked you.
But the good thing is this poem-eth will love on
And in this poem you will always be 21,
Sparkling, blooming, mine.

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Sonnet 147

My love is a fever, specifically herpes
But I think it’s your fault gurl.
I don’t know what-eth you’ve been up to,
Which Dairy Queens you frequent on the weekend
And which Dairy Queen employees you’ve been making
Out with behind ma back-(I know I said-eth
We were “not exclusive” but that meant
I could hook up with others, that clause
Was not related to you)
I know I have been throwing up constantly
And it’s probably your fault,
Because you took my sweet, innocent
Heart and stomped it.
You are but a whore.

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Sonnet 29

When I am completely out of favor
Because I failed my dance-off
I do not know what to do because I am but a man
And do not know how to handle emotion.
Sometimes I cry and stare off my boat-home
And other times I sext your sister from
My burner phone,
But mostly I am just overcome with barrels
Of sadness and anguish about what will be.
But then, I think of you gurl,
And my sadness evaporates
And I know I will dance again
And you’ll be there watching me,
Throwing Gatorade at me when I am but parched.

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Sonnet 116

Love should end when any problem is found
That type of love that does it for me is the kind that
Ends after 5 hours when I realize you’re not a natural blonde then is back on
When I get horny. That short love
is something purer than normal love, a nobler love.
My love for you alters whenever I find a problem
Like I see that you forget-eth to shave your legs
Or you tried to call me on my real phone number
And not the burner number I gave you.

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Sonnet 87

Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing,
I now realize you have such value gurl,
Did you know that?
You to me are as valuable as
a thousand sparkling diamonds or like really good left over potato chips
I find under my van,
You deserve to be free.
When we hooked up, you didn’t know how much you are worth
But today I leave you with a copy of The Feminist Mystique
And I hope you learn you do have value
Cause a dude told you.