1. Your tote-bag-to-purse ratio exceeds 3.5.
2. Your habit of eating Trix for breakfast every morning is neither quirky nor ironic, but rather, as your doctor tells you repeatedly, a surefire way to get Type-II diabetes.
3. The majority of your indie favorites are now on the Safeway in-store radio.
4. Your unwillingness to be tied down by the ordinary rules of time results not in the adoration of multiple suitors, but in multiple daycare late fees.
5. You notice that even Herr Whiskers has begun to roll his eyes at you.
6. During your last decorative gourd purchase, an old lady asked whether you were going to make clothes for the gourds. It took hours to realize that was insane. And, well, is it really?
7. Your spur-of-the-moment day trips are now scheduled around your nap.
8. When you tell a young man working at Whole Foods how great it would be if everyone had a drinking fountain inside their house, he gives you a look of grave concern and answers a question you didn’t ask: YES, ALL THE KALE IS ORGANIC.
9. You are licensed to practice law in several states.