MICHAEL: Where’s my laptop? You won’t believe what’s happening, Alex.
ALEXANDRA: A new Chris-Christie-in-a-beach-chair meme? I can’t get enough of those. Just text it to me. You don’t need to fire up that giant thing for my sake.
MICHAEL: Gah! BLOCKED AGAIN! I used up all my free articles and I can’t find my login information for the LA Times. Why isn’t this being covered by more news outlets?
ALEXANDRA: The login is under my name. We agreed that all property and accounts should be in my name moving forward, remember? Not that anyone remembers my name. Did I tell you I only received one message about Jayden K. Smith? One. Am I losing my relevance?
MICHAEL: I DON’T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA FOOTPRINT RIGHT NOW, ALEX. I CAN’T EXIST WITHOUT TERRY. SHE IS THE FRESH AIR THAT I BREATHE.
ALEXANDRA: Nice pun. I think you are GROSSLY overstating the situation. See? I can do it, too. Now what the hell are you talking about?
MICHAEL: A POTENTIAL STRIKE! Down with unions!
ALEXANDRA: Try again, Michael. We’re pro-union. So is Terry. Don’t you want her to be compensated fairly? I mean, as fairly as any woman CAN BE in this society. Do you think Ayahuasca would be effective without access to a shaman? I wonder if I’m saying that right. There should really be a pronunciation guide with this list.
MICHAEL: OK I found an article on Salon. With a typo. I guess you get what you don’t pay for, eh?
ALEXANDRA: You’re probably right. I’ll need a proper shaman. I think maybe I’m trying too hard to embrace an ikigai mentality when really I’m so much more hygge.
MICHAEL: Ikiwhat? You aren’t listening to me. And I’ve zero clue what you’re saying. Are you making up words?
ALEXANDRA: No, the millennials did. Again. I started reading this old copy of Marie Claire in the waiting room for my cryotherapist and I brought it home to learn what young people do to stay healthy these days. There’s zero mention of Soul Cycle in here, sugar thighs.
MICHAEL: God, I do love it when you objectify me. Wait… you ripped pages out of a waiting room magazine? That seems like a pretty major infraction of the social contract, don’t you think?
ALEXANDRA: That 18-35 demo is the still the gold standard for marketers, you know, Michael. Did I mention that whole ONLY ONE MESSAGE ABOUT THE INFAMOUS FACEBOOK HACKER, MICHAEL? I’m the nothing burger. I didn’t realize I’d lose touch with the 18-35 market so soon after aging out myself. These are desperate times, Michael.
MICHAEL: These ARE desperate times, Alex. BECAUSE BRIAN LEHRER AND THE SUMMER OF HELL FOR NYC COMMUTERS. So you’ll have to put a pin in your existential crisis a moment because I can’t talk and read at the same time and I have to know what’s happening. Ah. Here we go. “… the company is planning to offer us an odious contract.”
ALEXANDRA: Of course the union negotiating committee for NPR would use the word “odious.” I’ve never heard a millennial say “odious,” have you? You know the average NPR listener is over 55 these days.
MICHAEL: …and the film critic dude says, “NPR’s audience is up and its revenues high.” No mention of how changes in funding for the NEA might affect things, though. Is that gone or not? HOW CAN I KEEP ANY OF THIS STRAIGHT WITHOUT ALL THINGS CONSIDERED?
ALEXANDRA: You’d think a media company would be more savvy about their timing.
MICHAEL: Timing? We will potentially be living in the literal United States of Anxiety with no access to the resistance-fueling podcast and you’re talking about timing?
ALEXANDRA: Labor Day is practically around the corner. I mean, talk about missed opportunities for tie-ins. See? I know what I’m talking about, dammit. I AM STILL relevant. I’m relevant AF. Or do we only use the “AF” in written form. Damn these kids and their lingo. CHRIST, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!
MICHAEL: You know, a strike would mean no This American Life, either.
ALEXANDRA: Speaking of media company turmoil, whatever happened to the copywriters at the New York Times?
MICHAEL: I think everyone realized the error of their ways once young Donald The Second’s news broke and they had to make Jr possessive twenty times in a single article. Oh, here we are. We Make NPR says they’ve reached a tentative agreement. Phew! We can still get our Paula Poundstone fix on Wait Wait.
ALEXANDRA: I’d rather be stuck in an ATM.
MICHAEL: What? You consistently refer to her as “Gender Role-Crushing Paula.”
ALEXANDRA: No, no – this bulletproof coffee stuff. Butter goes on cauliflower rice or a nice gluten-free, plant-based bread substitute, not in coffee.
MICHAEL: I think you might need to flip that magazine page over and read the other side instead.
ALEXANDRA: “What type of therapy is right for you?” Jesus, Michael. I can’t believe you’re making mental health digs while society… oh! Teletherapy sounds intriguing! But in light of my clearly failing influencer status, I just don’t feel confident something is on-trend unless I see it in Teen Vogue.
MICHAEL: So does that mean we’re going to start having more anal sex?
ALEXANDRA: Just as soon as they break ground on that transparent, solar-powered border wall.
MICHAEL: Oh come on, you sweet young thing. I bet if I turned down the lights and put on a little music from future Senator Kid Rock, we could spend the evening performing our own acts of collusion. I’ll keep you so enraptured that you wouldn’t even notice if bags of illicit substances rained down upon you.
ALEXANDRA: On-trend or not, the word “odious” is feeling terribly applicable in this moment.
MICHAEL: Fine. I’ll go collude with my favorite furry Russian instead. Let’s go download all the NPR podcasts just to be safe, Kittery.
ALEXANDRA: That’s probably wise. While you’re at it, can you let me know if Ira Glass has anything about finding the right shaman?