3/10/2016 11:00am.
AGENDA: Marketing to women.
ATTENDEES: Mark, Ed, Steve, Mike, Mike S, Pete, Ben, Mike H, Dave, Aaron, Dan, and Dave P.

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10:20 am
Meeting begins

DAVE P.: Owls. Something with owls.

ED: Yes.

PETE: Exactly.

MARK: It’s bold. And if there’s one thing I like, it’s bold.

MIKE S.: But not like a Hooters owl.

ED: No. It’s our job, as marketers/male feminists, to empower women, through marketing.

MIKE H.: I could go for some wings.

[10:25 am: Meeting paused for coffee.]

10:45 am
Meeting resumes

AARON: A scarf cannon — like a T-shirt cannon, but with scarves.

DAN: Yes.

BEN: Shooting scarves at women in the street, but in a fun way.

MIKE H.: Exactly. Guerrilla marketing. It’ll get people talking.

DAN: I have never met a woman who doesn’t like a good scarf, and let me tell you, I have met women.

[10:55 pm: Meeting paused for foosball game.]

11:40 am
Meeting resumes

DAVE: Fun illustrations on chalkboards.

DAVE P.: What do you mean by fun?

DAVE: I mean like ‘unlikely animal friendships’ fun.

DAVE P.: Ok, good.

ED: You know what’s fun? The little puns they write on chalkboards outside bars. They are a lot of fun. I walked by one that said, COME IN HERE IF…” — no, shit, wait… no, it said “IF YOU’RE ALREADY…” — fuck, what was it? It’ll come to me. Hang on.

[11:57 am: Meeting paused.]

12:01 pm
Meeting resumes

ED: Nope. Lost it.

[12:02 pm: Meeting paused for lunch.]

1:30 pm
Meeting resumes

MARK: Not pink. They like yellow now.

[Unanimous agreement sounds.]

ED: I knew about that years ago, but whatever.

PETE: How about an ad where a woman is jogging, but in a chill way.

MIKE S.: Yeah, like she doesn’t care.

ED: But she does care about running.

AARON: Of course she cares about running, why else would she be running?

MIKE H.: I run.

ED: Fuck off, Mike. We all run.

DAVE: I’m running right now. [He runs in place.]

[STEVE, MARK, and ED join DAVE and run in place].

[1:47 pm: Meeting paused to check fantasy sports teams.]

2:05 pm
Meeting resumes

MIKE: A treasure hunt?

STEVE: What’s the treasure though?

AARON: A man?

MARK: Women do not want to find men in a treasure hunt. It’s tacky and un-feminist. The only two times a woman wants to find a man is during a business school graduation party, and before she’s 30.

DAVE P: An owl?

ED: That’s genius!

STEVE: A “Treasure owl.” Solid.

[2:20 pm: Meeting paused for donuts.]

2:45 pm
Meeting resumes

PETE: Piles of leaves.

MIKE H.: Strong idea, and I’ll tell you why: Women. Fucking. Love. Leaves.

PETE: We place piles of leaves around the city, but we hide something in one of the piles.

MIKE S. The product?

MARK: Sure, but something with the product, the product is not enough, it’s never enough. We need a hook that will get people talking.

DAN: Ed Sheeran. Works on two levels: 1) Women love his songs, and 2) he already looks like a pile of leaves.

MARK: And THAT, is what we call marketing to women, am I right, fellas?

PETE: You’re not wrong.

[3:00 pm: Meeting paused to check email and internet pornography.]

3:30 pm
Meeting resumes

MIKE: The term “women” — I’m not sure that women even like the term “women,” know what I mean?

STEVE: It almost sounds derogatory, like “Hey, women.”

ED: “You, you women over there.”

DAN: “Get a load of these women!”

BEN: It sounds wrong. “Women.”

MIKE H.: “Women.”

AARON: “Women.”

DAVE P.: “Women

MIKE S. “Women.”

DAVE: “Wo… men.”

DAN: “Women.”

STEVE: “Women.”

MARK: After a while, it just loses all meaning.

ED: You know what would be cool? What if we changed it to ‘womyn’ with a ‘y’?

MIKE: ‘Yomen’?

ED: No, you piece of shit. As in W.O.M.Y.N.

MARK: My god, that’s good. It’s like ‘women,’ only better.

ED: ‘Womyn’ is fresh. No more of this tired ‘women’ crap.

MARK: Gentlemen, I believe our work here is done.

[4:36: Meeting ends]

Meeting resumes

ED: Got it! “WE HAVE BEER AS COLD AS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND’S HEART That’s what that bar’s chalkboard said! HAHAHA. Get it? Like Christine’s tiny black heart when she left me. HAHAHA. So topical. So fun. Those signs. A lot of fun.

[4:38 pm: Meeting ends again.]