AGENDA: Marketing to women.
ATTENDEES: Mark, Ed, Steve, Mike, Mike S, Pete, Ben, Mike H, Dave, Aaron, Dan, and Dave P.
DAVE P.: Owls. Something with owls.
MARK: It’s bold. And if there’s one thing I like, it’s bold.
MIKE S.: But not like a Hooters owl.
ED: No. It’s our job, as marketers/male feminists, to empower women, through marketing.
MIKE H.: I could go for some wings.
[10:25 am: Meeting paused for coffee.]
AARON: A scarf cannon — like a T-shirt cannon, but with scarves.
BEN: Shooting scarves at women in the street, but in a fun way.
MIKE H.: Exactly. Guerrilla marketing. It’ll get people talking.
DAN: I have never met a woman who doesn’t like a good scarf, and let me tell you, I have met women.
[10:55 pm: Meeting paused for foosball game.]
DAVE: Fun illustrations on chalkboards.
DAVE P.: What do you mean by fun?
DAVE: I mean like ‘unlikely animal friendships’ fun.
DAVE P.: Ok, good.
ED: You know what’s fun? The little puns they write on chalkboards outside bars. They are a lot of fun. I walked by one that said, “COME IN HERE IF…” — no, shit, wait… no, it said “IF YOU’RE ALREADY…” — fuck, what was it? It’ll come to me. Hang on.
[11:57 am: Meeting paused.]
ED: Nope. Lost it.
[12:02 pm: Meeting paused for lunch.]
MARK: Not pink. They like yellow now.
[Unanimous agreement sounds.]
ED: I knew about that years ago, but whatever.
PETE: How about an ad where a woman is jogging, but in a chill way.
MIKE S.: Yeah, like she doesn’t care.
ED: But she does care about running.
AARON: Of course she cares about running, why else would she be running?
MIKE H.: I run.
ED: Fuck off, Mike. We all run.
DAVE: I’m running right now. [He runs in place.]
[STEVE, MARK, and ED join DAVE and run in place].
[1:47 pm: Meeting paused to check fantasy sports teams.]
MIKE: Treasure hunts.
STEVE: What’s the treasure though?
AARON: A man?
MARK: Women do not want to find men in a treasure hunt. It’s tacky and un-feminist. The only two times a woman wants to find a man is during a business school graduation party, and before she’s 30.
DAVE P: An owl?
ED: That’s genius!
STEVE: A “Treasure owl.” Solid.
[2:20 pm: Meeting paused for donuts.]
PETE: Piles of leaves.
MIKE H.: Strong idea, and I’ll tell you why: Women. Fucking. Love. Leaves.
PETE: We place piles of leaves around the city, but we hide something in one of the piles.
MIKE S. The product?
MARK: Sure, but something with the product, the product is not enough, it’s never enough. We need a hook that will get people talking.
DAN: Ed Sheeran. Works on two levels: 1) Women love his songs, and 2) he already looks like a pile of leaves.
MARK: And THAT, is what we call marketing to women, am I right, fellas?
PETE: You’re not wrong.
[3:00 pm: Meeting paused to check email and internet pornography.]
MIKE: The term ‘women’ — I’m not sure that women even like the term ‘women,’ know what I mean?
STEVE: It almost sounds derogatory, like “Hey, women.”
ED: “You, you women over there.”
DAN: “Get a load of these women!”
BEN: It sounds wrong. “Women.”
MIKE H.: “Women.”
DAVE P.: “Women”
MIKE S. “Women.”
DAVE: “Wo… men.”
MARK: After a while, it just loses all meaning.
ED: You know what would be cool? What if we changed it to ‘womyn’ with a ‘y’?
ED: No, you piece of shit. As in W.O.M.Y.N.
MARK: My god, that’s good. It’s like ‘women,’ only better.
ED: ‘Womyn’ is fresh. No more of this tired ‘women’ crap.
MARK: Gentlemen, I believe our work here is done.
[4:36: Meeting ends]
ED: Got it! “WE HAVE BEER AS COLD AS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND’S HEART” That’s what that bar’s chalkboard said! HAHAHA. Get it? Like Christine’s tiny black heart when she left me. HAHAHA. So topical. So fun. Those signs. A lot of fun.
[4:38 pm: Meeting ends again.]