Hi, Parents!

You know, I’ve been reading your desperate emails, and I hear you: there’s a lot of confusion out there about when to get your kid a cellphone. Well, you should be happy I’m here, because confusion is my middle, last, and possibly, first name.

Listen, the foremost thing to keep in mind about the incredible, life-changing, technological advancement called a cellphone is this: a cellphone is a very powerful drug. And you and I both know that you can’t just be giving your kid a drug so he can sit still and more effectively communicate!

No, parents, you need to be thoughtful and deliberate about when you’re going to get your kid a cellphone. You need to do what’s right. Also, you need to do whatever your friends are doing, followed by whatever your kid’s friends are doing.

Or you can just say the hell with all that and turn inwards. To the Internet. And here I am! What’s great about the Internet is that it offers the well-researched opinions of qualified experts like myself who have broken down complicated, infinitely-ponderable questions into a few, brief, shallow answers.

And now, behold! Your Should-You-Get-Your-Kid-a-Cellphone? Guide is below.

Should I get my baby a cellphone?

Congratulations, you had a baby! You know what makes a great parent? A cellphone.

Short answer: YES

Should I get my toddler a cellphone?

It’s so luxuriously relaxing, caring for a toddler. It’s really like having your own personal assistant all day. All that helping toddlers do! I haven’t had to make my own play-dough since my toddler was born! I also consult my toddler all the time, particularly for important feedback about taking my company public and/or dead relatives. And when I want to give my toddler a well-deserved break from taking care of me, I give her her cellphone for the remaining 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day.

Short answer: YES

Should I get my elementary schooler a cellphone?

There are only three things your elementary-school-aged child should be doing: day trading, SAT prep, and undoing all the shit we adults have so thoughtfully done to fuck up the planet. For that last one, she’s gonna need a cellphone. STAT.

Short answer: YES

Should I get my middle schooler a cellphone?

Is talking to—I mean, bonding with—your grouchy, challenging tween getting annoying? Time to get that kid a cellphone. And when you do, make sure you make a big deal about it. Studies show that middle schoolers are less app’d (Ha!) to accidentally drop their cellphones in the toilet if you give it to them as part of a big, coming-of-age ritual. Do I hear a “Cellphone Rumspringa”?

Short answer: YES

Should I get my high schooler a cellphone?

For God’s sake, do you know how hard it is to get into a good college nowadays?! Your kid has studying to do!!

Short answer: NO

Now, parents, I know this may be disappointing, but in the 14 seconds it took me to write this detailed guide, technology has advanced so much that all this hand-wringing and fussing you’ve been doing about whether or not to get your kid a cellphone is—as you will one day be—a relic of another age. You no longer need to make a decision about when to give your progeny a phone: he or she will now traverse through the birth canal, phone in hand!

So now that you can just get a cellphone and a baby simultaneously, what should you worry about? Well, there is a sort-of interesting election going on. Or you might want to spend your energy deciding what cellphone accessory to give to your newly-made human. Here’s a suggestion: an Apple watch.

‘Til next time, keep those emails coming.